Living a Focusing Life

January 24 2012 - Tip #316

"When I finally make a decision, this part shakes its head and says 'wrong'!"
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Maggie writes: "I wonder if you could talk about making decisions? As I begin this year, there are so many options whizzing by like buses, all going to different destinations. I feel quite overwhelmed, not sure when I need to stick my thumb out and stop a bus to get on. And it's easy to get stuck, just standing here, unable to make a decision.
 
"There is an 'all-knowing' part of me that stands there with its fists closed, as if it has the 'right answer', urging me to guess what the right thing is. Inevitably when I do make a choice, this part shakes its head and says 'wrong! you've chosen the wrong thing. You can't afford this, you don't have time for this, this is pure indulgence.' There is this horrified terror that I've done the wrong thing, and there's no getting off this bus, and as a consequence, life will now go terribly wrong.
 
"I sense that the voice which says all the fearful negative stuff is very afraid, and I sense that part of this fear is a misunderstanding of my significance in the whole scheme of life-- as if I am the one whose responsibility it is to plug the dam, and that by making the 'wrong' decision, the consequences could be catastrophic for the whole world. (It sounds daft when I write it down, but that is the level of terror and horror I feel.) And I wonder if, by being with the terror this part feels, if my larger self could find a way of not taking my life quite so seriously. That, maybe, yes, there are things that are 'right', but that maybe 'wrong' is not the opposite of 'right'. Somehow I think this would help this frightened part-- if there was another opposite to 'right' than wrong'. Then choice making would cease to be a Russian roulette."

Dear Maggie,
It sounds like, as you wrote this email, you took quite a few steps in to your whole issue. I want to point to your letter and say: "Look! This is how people sound when they know Focusing!" It's not just, "I have a hard time making decisions" or "I feel overwhelmed by too many choices." There is so much intricacy in how you sense what is going on for you.

Because of that, I can tell by the time you got to the end of your email you were in a somewhat different place than you were at the start. (Can everyone see that?)

You already started doing exactly what I would have suggested, which is to turn toward the negative part and sense that it is afraid... and then sense into what it is afraid about. You sensed that its fear had to do with "misunderstanding" your significance "in the whole scheme of life" -- that something in you has been believing that huge consequences ride on your choice of whether to take a course or not.

So... no wonder it has been hassling you about every decision being wrong, if that's what it believes!

Is there another opposite to 'right' than 'wrong'? How about 'not there yet' or 'partly right' or 'in the right direction' or 'not yet right'?

My GPS is so non-judgmental. If I don't take the turn she had planned for me to take, she never tells me I'm wrong. She just says, "Recalculating...." I love that because it reminds me that wherever I am, from here I can move toward what is right for me.

January 17 2012 - Tip #315

"When I'm attracted to a man, the feelings are so overwhelming..."
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Anna writes: "When I'm attracted to a man, my feelings are so overwhelming that they paralyze me. It happens when I "fall in love," or "have a crush," or just like someone. That's why I always date only those people I don't have strong feelings for, just who I'm comfortable with. But I'd like to be able to date a man I'm attracted to! I've heard from many people, that it's normal to have "overwhelming feelings" but I'm thinking maybe mine are stronger, because when I feel I'm falling for someone I'm sabotaging them somehow. I indirectly reject a guy, hoping he'd understand and pursue me further... but they probably think I'm not interested at all by the indifferent way I act, and back off. I've heard of the Attachment Styles, so mine is probably the Avoidant one, or Anxious-ambivalent, however, this knowledge doesn't help me :)

"I have tried to listen to this "love" feeling (I fall in love quickly and often). And it has become easier than when I was trying to get rid of the feeling. But maybe there are some other parts involved here... I know that there are at least two: one is afraid to be rejected, the other one is afraid to be controlled. I don't know how to move further with this. My "biological clock is ticking" :) and I'd like to live with a partner I love..."

Dear Anna,
It certainly sounds like there are parts involved! So you fall in love easily, have strong feelings of attraction, but then avoid the guy you feel this way about.

I would say there is a part of you that "falls in love" and has the strong feelings for the person, and another part of you that paralyzes you and keeps you away from the person.

In the Treasure Maps theory created by Barbara McGavin and myself, strong feelings of love and longing are an indication that a "Small One" is involved. "Small One" is our nickname for a type of part that we also call the Compromised Self. Its nature is to be quite young (thus the name "Small One") and it is searching for a "savior" -- a person who will save it, usually by loving it unconditionally.

The Small One holds a lot of life energy and is very close to your true Self. But without Self-in-Presence, the Small One can take over your body and lead you to take actions that don't carry your life forward.

Another part of you knows this and takes on the job of suppressing the feelings and de-railing the actions of the Small One. This other part (a Controlling type) is extremely worried that an out-of-control Small One will lead to great trouble and danger. It could be right about that, but the way it suppresses and uses shaming to control other parts will also not carry life forward.

Why Self-in-Presence is so important

Without Self-in-Presence, this struggle between parts is endless. None of them has a way out. They are driven by powerful unmet needs and they are not going to give up their positions, which they feel are ultimately to save YOU.

With Self-in-Presence, the Tangle can start to unwind. YOU are there, compassionately acknowledging each one of them.

You say to the Small One: "Yes, I really sense how much you long for someone to see you completely and adore you totally." You say to the Controlling part: "Yes, I really sense how worried you are that the strong feelings will get out of control and lead to danger." And then listen. Each one has more it wants to tell and show you. The Small One especially will have a particular body feeling that will need sensing exactly, and describing.

You may want to do this work with a Focusing partner or, even better, with a Focusing Practitioner, because it can be hard to hold Self-in-Presence alone with such powerful and ancient feelings. AND it can be so releasing when the parts finally take in that YOU are there, and the life-forward energy that has been bound in this Tangle begins to take the form that it has always truly needed... and your relationships can be between two real people!

January 10 2012 - Tip #314

"Can I pursue my goal and yet have no agenda?"
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Pat writes: "As I hold things in me with compassion and no goals I want to know how do I do this with a part that is about being unemployed. My goal is to find a job and it has been a year of looking. How do I hold this part with no goal when I and the whole world knows I need to be employed?"
 
Dear Pat,    
I'm so sorry you're having trouble finding a job -- but thank you for sending a great question for the new year, touching on a subject that deeply fascinates me.
 
In Focusing we talk about the importance of having no agenda... and what we mean by that is that there is an open allowing space for whatever comes up, including any emotions and points of view from various parts and aspects of ourselves. So there is a space of inclusion, with no bouncer at the door... 'anyone' may enter.  
 
But this does NOT mean that we should have no goals, intentions, or desires! The goals, intentions, and desires are ALSO welcome in the space. That makes sense, right?   
 
This "having a goal" can be something that your whole self resonates with and knows to be right. It doesn't have to be "a part of you." It wouldn't feel right to say "A part of me wants to find a job," would it? YOU want to find a job! And you have a deep knowing that a job would be right... not just any job, but a job with certain qualities, that you can sense in advance.
 
One powerful way to use Focusing with goals and intentions is to take time to sense, in a bodily way, what it will feel like when the Wanted State comes to pass. Imagine you are in the job (whether you want to imagine the "just right" or the "good enough" job is up to you) -- and now invite the felt sense of that to form. You might notice that it feels good! That good feeling is part of what opens you to the actions and connections that lead you to that job.
 
There is also the Not-Wanting ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

When I have used Focusing to help bring what I wanted into being, there is another part of the process that is key. That is to invite and sense any parts of me that are not-wanting this desired state.

For example, when I wanted to meet a life partner, I spent lots of time with the parts of me that were not wanting to meet someone. Even though "I" wanted to meet a life partner, I was also able to be a spacious listener to the not-wanting parts. I remember one thing they were not wanting was to repeat dysfunctional relationships from the past. I let them know I heard that.

Pat, you might feel like there is NO part of you that doesn't want a job. But there might be parts that remember jobs in the past that didn't go well, and they don't want that for you again. Listening to them will bring a relief and an opening.

So to come back to your original question, you can have a goal... and at the same time you can be a spacious listener to any parts of you that have feelings about going for that goal. "No agenda" refers to the spacious quality of the listening, not to how you go about living your life.

January 3 2012 - Tip #313

"Do our parts learn how to act and relate to each other from the environment we grew up in?"
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Paul writes: "One trouble I often have with Focusing is in saying 'Hello' to a part, especially a highly charged part that is reacting strongly to something. Saying 'Hello' is a basic first step of Focusing, but for me, that has often been very hard and not within my capability at that moment.
 
"I searched for answers and opened my Focusing Student's and Companion's Manual. What I found there, on page 8, fascinated me. Acknowledging is basically saying "you are there"; saying "Hello" is when we truly begin to engage and begin a relationship with It directly. A light bulb went on for me! By sensing into what doesn't want to say "Hello" to a highly charged, reactive part, it came to me I also have a part that considers the reactive one to have been causing me way too much trouble already, so it doesn't want to say "Hello" to It.
 
"What I've described to you as an event internal to myself is the very same dynamic I've experienced countless times with another person, especially in my family of origin. One person is highly charged, even demanding, the other person will not engage directly, and if pushed may acknowledge the other, but grudgingly at best. My mother was a person who would, when angry, fall into silent treatment mode and could barely be convinced to even acknowledge the existence of the person she was angry with. I see how every member of my family does this to some degree in how we relate to others.
 
"So I have a question: Do our parts learn how to act and relate to each other from the environment we grew up in?"
 
Dear Paul,    
Absolutely! It seems to me there are two reasons for this.
 
The first reason, rather obvious perhaps, is that we learn to relate to anything and anyone by how we are treated and what kind of relationships we see around us. It would be surprising if we did not.
 
But the second reason is that when we were treated in dysfunctional ways, ways that went against our own inborn sense of rightness, it was traumatic. And because there were not the resources available for that trauma to be healed at the time, various parts sprang into existence to help us survive and to try to get at least part of what we needed. 
 
When you do Focusing with that part you discovered, the one that wants to give the "silent treatment" to the reactive, highly charged part, I'd suggest inviting it to let you know what it is worried about. In other words, what it is worried will happen if it interacts directly with the reactive part. You may feel a bit as if you are tapping into how it was for your mother... but it isn't your mother herself you are sensing into here, but the part of you that learned from her how to be, and did so partly because that was safer.
 
And then there is the part of you that gets reactive and highly charged. Once you really know you are not identified with the part that disapproves of it (because you've said a nice Hello to that one and maybe spent even more time), you might say to it that it is allowed to be as reactive and highly charged as it wants to be, for as long as it wants to. Then gently invite it to let you know what it is about reacting that way that feels so good, so important, so needful. 
 
I predict that you will find that both parts are longing for YOU (as Self-in-Presence) to show up, and that part of what has them both so charged up is the lack of a space of acceptance, where they have permission to be exactly as they are. In a space of acceptance (you are that space), all the parts can relax enough for the next steps of life-direction to be sensed and come forward from within.

December 27 2011 - Tip #312

Changing habits without pushing or feeling bad about yourself
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This is the time of year when many of us -- including me -- think about making plans and setting intentions for the year ahead. The new year is coming, the clean page of the calendar is turning... and it feels like a good time for a fresh start on changing some habits.

Take exercise, for example. For various reasons I've fallen out of the habit of regular exercise. I know my body will feel better if I do it, and my mind will be clearer... not to mention the fact that exercise helps keep me healthy, and I'm really enjoying this life and would like to stay in it a fair bit longer.

The trouble is, I know very well from past experience that if I make a plan to start exercising more and leave a part of me in charge of making it happen, it isn't going to work very well. The type of part that is good at making plans and intentions is the natural one for the job, but the trouble is, that type of part operates by nagging, shaming, and cajoling another part of me. I end up feeling resentful, as I identify with the part of me that is feeling pushed -- and nobody wants to feel pushed!

Result: Maybe a few trips to to gym or the yoga studio at first, but in about a week I'd be back to sitting and driving, and telling myself I'm too busy for exercise.

So what is a Focusing approach to forming a new exercise habit? Let's see.

What comes first is, I affirm that I want to do this with kindness to myself. No shaming, no part talking to another part about being "lazy" or "fat." Treating myself that way doesn't fit with my deeply held values. I will not be doing it that way.

I say Hello to a part of me that is worried that it is going to get pushed into doing something that isn't fun. It can only remember unpleasant exercise experiences. I let it know I hear that. I say, "No wonder you wouldn't want to exercise if that's what it felt like." One hand stays gently with that part of me as I continue.

Next I find myself sensing what I am wanting. Wanting is a place to find motivation and impetus, especially when the wanting comes from within, from the not-quite-in-words place. I pause, because it takes a moment or two for this 'wanting' to form. I want to feel flexible. I want to have energy. I want to bounce. Not just now, but for a long time.

Being in touch with the 'wanting' feels good. It brings a smile. My shoulders relax. This is true, I want this.

I find myself remembering times in my life when exercise has worked well for me, and it's good to remember those times. The memories of what felt good about those times mix in with the feeling of 'wanting' for the future. I can feel my body actually readying for movement.

Lots of images and memories of enjoyable vigorous movement start to emerge, along with ideas and connections. I've enjoyed bike riding... Lucinda is going to show me the bike she likes... I've enjoyed dancing... there's a dance studio on the ground floor where my new office is...

I check in with the part of me that didn't want to be pushed into exercise. It is smiling. There is no contradiction here. There is an open flow into action. The body feeling is one of open, relaxed, fresh, ready. It doesn't feel right to make a specific plan. Instead, I will let this open flowing feeling carry me toward opportunities as they arise. What will happen? We'll have to see!

December 20, 2011 - Tip #311

"Why do we have experiences that too much happiness is followed by doom?"
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Hannah writes: "Thank you for your answer last week about the part that doesn't want another part to be too happy. I do wonder: why do we have experiences like this -- that too much happiness may be followed by doom, meaning the happiness was a deception?"

Dear Hannah,
Well, happiness is going to be followed by something. Fabulous, OK, bad, horrible -- something will happen. And if we have a part that is afraid happiness will be followed by doom, then that part of us will only notice and remember the times when happiness IS followed by doom.

A "part" (Barbara McGavin and I also call it a "partial-self") is a habitual reaction sequence that has emerged around a stoppage. It's trying to solve a problem of your life-energy being stopped, but it doesn't have the full resources of your Self. It has a narrow view. It cannot see -- literally -- experiences that contradict what it believes.

An example: I recently started a Focusing session with the statement that my father never hugged me and never held me. This felt connected to a deep sense of loneliness. It seemed obvious that the feeling of loneliness was connected to my father never holding me. He had been cold and distant. I knew that his distance was connected to his own pain but it still hurt.

In the Focusing session, I spent time sensing and being with the part of me experiencing the loneliness. As that inner relationship deepened, I began to feel a relaxing and a softening in my body. That lonely part of me was beginning to experience what it had been missing -- like something that had been frozen beginning to flow again.

And suddenly I had a memory of my father holding me! And then another! There was a whole series of memories of times my father connected warmly with me, including memories of photographs that showed me as a baby happily on his lap. These were not new memories! But to a part of me, they were inconceivable -- until something shifted.

A part that is capable of bending perceptions like that would also be capable of giving us lots of memories of times when happiness is followed by doom, and suppressing memories of times when there was happiness and no doom.

Magical 'thinking' with emotional states

When life feels unpredictable and out of control, we look for ways to try to get a bit of control. A child with a sick mother walking home from school thinks, "If I don't step on any cracks in the sidewalk, then my mother will be well when I get home."

The idea that our emotional states, good and bad, have some connection with whether good or bad things happen to us, is this type of magical thinking. When our beliefs are strong enough, we can even create the outcomes we expect... but not with our emotions, rather by the actions we do and don't take.

My friend, the German author Mike Hellwig, points out that "positive thinking," when it is done to try to control reality, is like a devastating addiction. We tie ourselves into knots and betray our own feelings in a vain attempt to control what is uncontrollable. (Look for Mike's book, Wie wir uns vom positiven Denken heilen, forthcoming in April from Herder in Germany.)

What I love about Focusing is that I get to accept and make space for ALL my emotions and feelings. I don't have to be afraid that either negative emotions or positive ones will lead me to bad outcomes. (But if a part of me is afraid of that, there is room for it to be there too!) As I keep company with and listen to all my partial-selves and their emotions, I can feel myself getting bigger, calmer, and wiser. I have access to my full resources. I can deal with what needs my attention. It's not a guarantee that only good will happen. It's a guarantee that whatever happens, I'll meet it with my full, resourceful Self.

December 13 2011 - Tip #310

"Should I be identifying with the happy feeling if another part of me is cautious about being too happy?"
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Mandeep writes: "In a recent Focusing session, I noticed two parts. One part was joyful, light and dancing around -- happy and free. Another part was cautious about being too happy just in case the good feeling doesn't last or in case it was tempting the fates.
 
"In Focusing classes, I have learned that it is encouraged to identify with the good feelings -- in this case the joyful part. But that Focusing allows us to dis-identify or not merge with the difficult part -- in this case the cautious part. I am confused about whether I should be trying to identify more with the happy, joyous part or whether I should notice it as a part and not identify with it.

"I would be interested in hearing your thoughts."

Dear Mandeep,   
The fast way to say what we recommend is "identify with the positive feelings," but it's actually more complex than that -- as your interesting example shows.
 
For the purpose of doing Focusing, we recommend that you identify as Self-in-Presence, and experience yourself as being so large and spacious and fearless and compassionate that you can be with anything that arises in you.
 
Being Self-in-Presence, we primarily feel and express qualities like: aliveness, curiosity, calm, warmth, spaciousness. And in fact any 'positive' feeling can be a resource to experience Self-in-Presence even more fully.  So you're not exactly identifying with the positive feeling -- rather, you are identifying with Self-in-Presence, and the positive feeling can help you do that.
 
However, some positive feelings are actually parts. (True!) How can we tell the difference? IF the positive experience is totally willing to turn toward anything that is not feeling so positive, and welcome it, and be with it... then that is indeed you as Self-in-Presence.
 
But if the happy, free, dancing feeling says, "I don't want to stop dancing!"... then it is indeed a part.

Self-in-Presence can listen compassionately to any partial self 
 
Imagine feeling so calmly strong and fearlessly spacious that you can turn toward anything inside you and welcome it to be there and let you know more about itself. If that's what your positive feeling is like, then do identify with it... because it is you as Self-in-Presence.

But if your 'positive' feeling is in a struggle with another part of you that is afraid of what will happen if you get too happy, then it is a part like any other... and all parts can be welcomed, turned toward, and listened to, because all have something to contribute.

Even the part that is worried that feeling good is "tempting the fates" has something to tell you about what it is afraid will happen... and you can say to it warmly, "No wonder you don't want me to feel joyful and happy, if that's what you're afraid will happen!"

December 6 2011 - Tip #309

"I'm actually moving at top speed in the right direction."
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Jill writes: "I have a funny, uncomfortable place in me where two things don't fit together well. 

"On the one hand, in guiding or companioning a Focusing process, we are advised to listen without judgment, without taking sides, without a goal. We are careful of avoiding being biased toward one part or one thing in us, when there is more than one voice wanting attention. 

"On the other hand, there is the idea of supporting or 'siding with' the life-forward direction of a person, supporting what is life-serving and leads to more aliveness in the person. That doesn't seem totally neutral. But it also seems right. What would you say about this?"

Hi Jill,
One of the central characteristics of the Focusing process, that everyone observes, is that we are so often surprised by what comes. "I thought I had only two choices, but actually I have many." "I thought this relationship was weighing me down, but my body tells me I feel open and light. What a surprise!"

I have a great example of this. In 1995 I had come back from a trip where nothing went right. Six workshops had been planned, and all but one had to be cancelled. I was in debt, and this 'disaster' sank me even deeper. I felt scared, stressed, and overwhelmed. So when I sat down with my Focusing partner for our first session after this happened, I expected my felt sense to be scared and stressed. How could it not be?

Actually, it was completely different. What I felt in my body was a feeling of 'moving at top speed in the right direction'. Like riding in a jet plane. Totally relaxed, and totally going as fast as possible. In a new direction!

Sure enough, in the next six months I was able to take new directions in my work and pay off all my debts. That is what I would call an example of life-forward direction!

Of course that is a dramatic example. Sometimes the life-forward direction is more subtle, like a sense of the pleasure it gives me to pick up a new knitting project... and if the sense of that comes in the middle of a Focusing session, to welcome it rather than ignoring it as a distraction.

Living in "Possibility Space"
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So what I'm trying to say, Jill, is that there is far from a contradiction here. The neutral, unbiased stance of Self-in-Presence makes a "possibility space," where we don't have to know in advance what would be right, or in what direction fresh air will come. We CAN'T know in advance. We'll hold ourselves back if we try to pick a direction. The body-life process knows better.

And at the same time, when the life-forward direction emerges, we can recognize it, dwell with it, enjoy it, cheerlead it... So we (and our Focusing partners) don't miss it.

You don't try to know the direction in advance. But once the direction emerges, it is OK to follow it where it leads.

November 29 2011 - Tip #307

"Something in me doesn't want to stir things up, or rock the boat."
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A student in a class today said to me: "For the last week and a half, whenever I start to do Focusing or even think about doing Focusing, there is a feeling of resistance, like I don't want to go there, or something in me doesn't want to. Like not wanting to stir things up, or rock the boat. There's a peaceful feeling, or at least it seems that way -- and it doesn't want to lose that."

My response:
Something in us that has "resistance" -- or as I like to re-phrase it, something that "doesn't want to..." -- always takes precedence. It is asking for a time-out, it says "wait, not yet, I need more time" -- and that request always has the floor.

One way I like to phrase this is to say, "We cannot move faster than our slowest part."

I don't mean we shouldn't move faster, I mean we CANNOT. We can try... if we're taken over by an impatient part of us, we can try to muscle past the slow, reluctant, "I need more time" parts and try to make something happen!

But that simply doesn't work. We won't get where that part hoped we would. If they are not respected, the slower parts have other methods up their sleeves. We'll find ourselves spacing out, going to sleep, shutting down entirely. For Focusing to work, we HAVE to be Self-in-Presence. There is no other way.

So a part that doesn't want to "go in there" gets to keep its foot on the brake. OK, we say, we won't "go in there" until IT is ready.

What to do in the meantime
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So what are you doing, when you don't go faster than the slowest part? Do you just stop Focusing?

No, not at all. You are still Focusing. But you are Focusing with IT.

You don't go past it... you stay with it. You sense how IT feels. You let it tell you or show you what it is worried will happen, if you "go in there." Maybe it wants to let you know its tired of turmoil. You would let it know you hear that... and listen for more.

Staying with this part, to get to know it better, can actually shift the whole system. We are respecting it, we are not going into the place it doesn't want us to go -- but we are also not merging with it.

If you don't turn toward a part like that with awareness, it can keep you away from your process indefinitely, without anything happening at all. But if you respect it, acknowledge it, and stay with it, then ITS process emerging becomes what your whole being was waiting for.

November 22 2011 - Tip #307

"The child showing me scary scenes wanted me to hold her hand."
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Many of you were interested in my conversation last week with Vicky, who wrote: "When I'm Focusing, a part of me shows me horrifying scenes that have never happened to me." I suggested that the message might be that what did happen felt like the horrifying scenes, even though they didn't literally happen. There was another part of her that didn't want to watch the scenes. I suggested she be with both.

Vicky wrote me again, and I found the next steps of her process very interesting:

Dear Ann,
This week I made the mistake of seeing the movie "Take Shelter" which has lots of unspecified dread in it. The images are of violent storms with tornados. It's almost like the child who wants to show me scary images manifested this movie since I had promised the other child I wouldn't invite any of those horrifying images in! I put it all aside until I had a Focusing session with a companion.

The child showing me the scary scenes wanted someone to run with her and I saw a woman doing that but there was no place to hide or be safe. Then the child and woman and the characters from the movie turned and faced the storm. They were certainly going to die. They all held hands (which wasn't in the movie) and were aware of their love for each other.  They felt calm, vulnerable, brave and united by their love as they waited for death. It had a "heart broken open" feel to it - shaky and tender.  Very different from the terror after other scary scenes.  The child who doesn't want to see frightening images watched this scene while holding hands with me. She was scared but OK because it didn't end in terror.  I'm so grateful for my Focusing partners! I would not have explored this alone. - Vicky

Dear Vicky,
Wow, so interesting! It's starting to sound like it's not just about "What it felt like" but more about something wanting to know she will be safe if extreme things happen. -Ann

Dear Ann,
That does feel right! Extreme things did happen in my childhood and she was not safe. She doesn't want to be exposed to any of these scary things she shows me and certainly wants to know she would be safe if any of them happened. At least safe inside myself no matter what happened outside. Not only am I grateful for my companions, I so appreciate YOU and Focusing for giving me ways to be with the terrified inner children - and all the other parts -  who have a huge effect on my life.  Thank you soooo much, Ann!

Dear Vicky,
It makes so much sense that something in you -- it sounds like actually both inner kids in you -- want to know that you can be safe even if scary things happen. I love the creativity of your process, to show you what needed to happen and let it play out. Almost like a dream that had a different ending this time. Thanks so much for sharing too.

How Focusing moves forward in steps
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This dialogue with Vicky and her process is a great illustration of something important: the way Focusing moves forward in steps.

You can get an understanding and a realization that feels really right and true. It brings relief, and a basis for going forward. And then the next week, another realization feels more right. Now, this new realization brings relief and a sense of moving forward. Does that mean the earlier one was wrong?

No, because the earlier realization was the step that needed to happen at that time. Focusing moves forward in steps, each one feeling right, and preparing us for what comes next. Without the earlier one, we couldn't have gotten the later one.

So the moral is: be with what comes for you now, notice and welcome the feelings of relief and opening... and keep on being open to what is going to come next.

November 15 2011 - Tip #306

"A part of me shows me horrifying scenes that have never happened to me."
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Vicky writes: "When I'm Focusing, a part of me shows me horrifying scenes that have never happened to me. The last one was of a child clinging to a window ledge while an adult repeatedly slammed the window down on her fingers. She was clawing for a finger hold frantically because if she let go, she would fall forever into infinite blackness all alone. It was life or death. I let her know I saw her and heard her - that this is how terrified she was or is. That she feels she was or is fighting for her very life. Another part then appeared as a transparent child who was not able to do anything but wring her hands and cover her ears. She says, "Make it stop! I can't bear it! No more!" Witnessing the scene at the window ledge is overwhelmingly painful for her.  I let her know I hear that. The child barely manages to pull herself over the ledge and into the room. One part of me seems to be traumatized by watching this kind of scene. The little girl herself feels that she has just experienced this event and huddles in a corner shaking. As Self-in-Presence, I offer to be with them. Later in the day I notice more images of fear and torture coming up. Any help working with this will be greatly appreciated!"

Dear Vicky,
This much we do know: a part of you -- something in you -- is showing you these horrifying scenes for some good reason. It's interesting that they haven't happened to you. That suggests that the reason for showing them is not that they have happened.

But perhaps this part is showing you that something that happened -- or is happening -- felt like this. The body process often speaks in metaphor.

It's funny how we need to speak in "double tenses" -- is/was happening. If something really painful happened in the past, for a part of it is still happening. So I would say: "This is what it wants to show me is/was happening." Or in your case, "It wants to show me that something that is/was happening felt like a child at a window ledge with an adult slamming the window down on her fingers."

Good for you, for being aware that another part of you is/was finding it hard to be with this. This is a reminder to really establish a lot of Self-in-Presence. As Self-in-Presence, YOU are not afraid. You are strong, and you can be like a rock of strength for something in you that needs company, even when what is going on is really strong.... and at the same time you can acknowledge something in you finding it really hard to hear, hard to take.

It's a positive sign, that you have done enough Focusing and created enough inner safety that this deep level of process is coming now.

Fear not (or say Hello to something afraid) -- because you can trust the process. This is deep... and needs steady company... and will move through in its own timing.

"Maybe this is more than personal -- my mother worried about everything."
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I emailed the response above to Vicky and she wrote back: "Thanks for your reassuring response! It does feel right that something in me is saying that events in my past FELT this bad. I remember that we can only go as fast as our slowest part so I've spent some time with the part that doesn't want to witness any more painful scenes and let it know that I won't invite these scenes unless it feels it can handle watching them."

Ann: Good!

Vicky: That calmed down the whole inner turmoil.

Ann: Interesting how that happens!

Vicky: I'm not sure what the part that wants to show me these scenes is doing now. Seems like it conveyed its point about the intense pain and so feels heard.

Ann: And maybe that's all that was needed.

Vicky: I think my mother had horrifying scenes playing out inside her -- she worried about everything. So maybe this is more than personal which adds to the intensity.

Ann: It's quite possible that traumatized states can cross over generations, a grim inheritance. The good news is that Focusing lets us work with that too. The key is to stay open and not be insistent on knowing who this happened to or even whether it really happened. Just be Self-in-Presence, keep it company, sense it exactly... and it its own timing it changes in the direction it needed to change.

November 8 2011 - Tip #305

The concept of 'parts' sometimes seems like multiple personalities
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Leslie writes: "The concept of 'parts' and being in presence with these parts -- a foundation of Inner Relationship Focusing -- has been making a huge difference. However... Right now I'm being with a part that finds this very troubling. This part is confused by what seems like 'multiple personalities.' It's saying we're already in pieces and It doesn't want to be fragmented further. It wants us to cooperate and put ourselves back together.
 
"To give you an example, It's remembering how last week I (or parts of me?) finally stopped 'fighting,' calmed down and finished a major personal project (paintings for a show). I met the deadline and enjoyed a celebration party with my friends and felt pretty good for a few more days. It's also remembering how during the months before there were countless anxious periods as various 'parts' worked, avoided working, cried, fretted, and more. (Believe me, I can't tell you exactly what changed in that last week. I told myself, 'Well, you have to.' I stopped fighting it. I was calm and I did it. Good grief.)
 
"At the moment, this troubled part is looking at the person (part?) I was when I was feeling relatively happy, connected, confident, successful (or just relieved?), and It doesn't know who she is. She's a stranger, she doesn't seem real. It, this part I'm sitting with now, doesn't know who we are (I am) trying to be. Is it this feeling-relatively-good part-and is it a 'part' or is it 'me'? Where'd she go? Why isn't she helping us right now as I try to return to my work and find I'm stirring up all the familiar anxieties?"

Dear Leslie,
I'm really glad to hear that the concept of parts and being in presence with these parts has made a huge difference. But listen to what you just said: being in presence with these parts. It's YOU being in presence with the parts -- we also call this being Self-in-Presence -- that has made such a big difference.

That's you, the whole, full complete you: Self-in-Presence.

When you say -- using Presence language as I suggest -- "I am sensing something in me is confused and troubled about the concept of parts," the "I" in "I am sensing" is you identifying as Self-in-Presence. (We can identify with different experiences and states... and for Focusing, I recommend that we identify as Self-in-Presence.)

Parts are temporary. They rise and fall like waves in the ocean. Self-in-Presence endures.

So when you are feeling happy, connected, confident, relaxed, able to act with flow, then you ARE Self-in-Presence. You are acting as and from your whole Self.

Ideally all your actions and decisions would be taken as Self-in-Presence, with the resources of wisdom and perspective of your whole self. Parts are partial and they have partial views. They can't see the whole picture. They can contribute their point of view, but they should not be taking action.

"Why isn't she helping us right now?"
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Being Self-in-Presence is an ability that gets stronger and easier the more we practice it. It's also an ability that is sometimes occluded by conditions of tiredness or illness or being triggered by emotional reactions.

Sometimes the best we can do is notice that it's pretty hard to be Self-in-Presence right now. But here's the good news: with even that much awareness, we are already back to being Self-in-Presence again.

Being Self-in-Presence CAN feel spacious, open, relaxed... but not always. I might be keeping company with something in me that is quite painful. As long as *I* am here, keeping company, I am at least one breath bigger than the pain. And that makes all the difference.

So when you hear a part of you wondering where "she" is when you need her, I suggest saying back to that part, "I am here. I am listening. I really hear that you are worried that __________" and then hear what it is worried about.

Behaving as Self-in-Presence is the way to BE Self-in-Presence, and in the inner world, that means being a listener, and making a space where all your parts can be heard. In time, they will come to trust that that is who YOU are -- the whole Self, the one who can listen to them and who can act with flow in the world.

November 1 2011 - Tip #304

When the hand goes to the spot to rub it
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Michael writes: "Thank you for the Tip a few weeks ago about the person who had the pressure in the forehead that kept getting stronger. My question is about times when I am helping another person do Focusing, and they have a discomfort, like in their forehead, and they find their hand spontaneously going to the spot to rub it. I don't want to inappropriately assume or attempt to control the person's process, but I am wondering about such physical engagement with a sensation becoming a way to avoid or distract one from entering more deeply into relationship with what presents itself. Is there a guideline for when to make which response -- in addition to one's own inner sense of Focusing intuition?"

Dear Michael,
Good question! There is an understandable wish to relieve or release the discomfort, and rubbing with the hand is a possible way to do that. However, that uncomfortable body sensation may contain wisdom -- it may have something important to say -- and the rubbing could get in the way of 'hearing' it.

I'm assuming you are asking about working with someone who doesn't know Focusing already? People who have learned Focusing, and are experienced, can generally tell the difference themselves between a body sensation that needs to be rubbed, and a felt sense which has something to say.

Actually, in either case, with a Focusing partner or with a client who doesn't know Focusing, I'll start out the same way. I'll say, "And I see your hand is going there." They might not even have noticed that it happened, and this reflection of what I see happening brings the gentlest touch of awareness. No judgment. Just noticing.

"Maybe that is something that has been waiting to tell you about itself."

If I'm with a new person, I might continue by saying, "Looks like you're wanting to help that uncomfortable feeling [using their words] feel better. I'm just wondering if maybe -- before you do that -- you might want to just spend some time sensing it and listening to it. It might be something that has been waiting to tell you about itself."

This is a good example of a principle: It's OK to teach a little while working with someone. I hope I don't sound like I'm "teaching," but more like I'm giving the person some supportive information that they may not have realized, about how the Focusing process works.

(Notice also my phrase "before you do that," showing that I respect the person's wishes, and if they want to rub the spot of course they are allowed to... but maybe they might do something else first.)

Uncomfortable sensations are here for a reason, and we don't want them to go away until they have delivered their message and fulfilled their purpose!

October 25 2011 - Tip #303

"What do you think about chronically tense muscles, caused by emotions?"
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Olivia writes: "What do you think about chronically tense muscles, which were caused by emotions? People tense their shoulders during stressful times, and older people tend to be more hunched than younger people. Most people I know have tense shoulders, including myself. The pelvis is another chronically tense area, and can be related to health problems. I'm guessing these tensions are caused by (unprocessed?) emotions. Do you think it's possible to release the tension using Focusing -- if not completely, at least partially? This is not just some sensation that might transform and move, it's something that has been sitting there for a long time. How would you approach such body tensions? Just take a time every day to 'talk' to this muscle or body area?"

Dear Olivia,  
Yes, these chronic body tensions can be very painful, and can be related to all sorts of health issues. And yes, we can suspect that emotions, life stresses, and even old trauma are involved somehow. But the shoulders or the pelvis might not actually be the place where "something" is located that had the impact on the shoulders or pelvis. The tension may be displaced -- and we'll need to listen to it at its source.
 
So to work with this kind of tense area, first notice and sense. Take time to sit in a comfortable and supported way, and simply bring awareness to (let's say) your shoulders. Get to know exactly what it feels like there, right now.
 
Right away you might feel an impulse to fix it or change it, like the urge to stretch out or roll the shoulders. And why not? Maybe that will help! But after rolling and stretching, come back to just sensing. Find fresh descriptions for how it feels there. You might discover that the word "tension" isn't exactly right... some word or phrase or metaphor will describe it better. (When a description fits exactly, there is often a little sense of relief.)
 
Next I would suggest inviting a part of you that you might not be feeling directly right now. "I'd like to invite contact with something in me that brings this [tense] feeling in my shoulders." (Use the word you found.) Then sense in your throat, chest, stomach, belly area... and wait.

"Why sense in my throat, chest, and stomach if it is my shoulders that are tense?"
 
Focusing is about being with your body's felt senses, and chronic tension in your shoulders is not a felt sense. Felt senses come freshly, when we invite them, and contain body wisdom that is deeply connected to what we need.
 
So it's important to spend time sensing the feeling in the shoulders... AND THEN inviting a felt sense to come.

Because the middle area of the body is a sensitive field for picking up emotional knowing, felt senses come most often in the throat, chest, stomach area. Not always... but it's a lot easier to feel them there. Especially if chronic tension in your shoulders is shouting loudly, you might have a hard time feeling the subtle felt sense in your shoulders. A felt sense OF what's been bringing tension to the shoulders can be felt elsewhere... like in the middle of your body.

In doing this, you're reversing the original sequence. Originally, you had emotions that were not attended to and allowed to tell their story, and the result was tension somewhere in the body. Now, we start by acknowledging the tension, and invite it to guide us to where some emotional states may still be waiting for company.

I suspect it wasn't so much the emotions themselves that led to this situation, but something in you that didn't feel it was safe or allowable to feel them. That would surely bring tension!

So be gentle with the place of tension itself, and then invite "something in you" that brings the tension to come to awareness. Be patient... be open to what is subtle and hard to put into words... and you will begin to be aware of something.

October 18 2011 - Tip #302

When a sensation gets stronger instead of releasing
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Debby writes: "Last weekend I was focusing with my focusing partner. I felt a pressure on my forehead. The moment I gave words to it, like 'pressure,' 'right above the right eyebrow,' the pressure started to press harder. This surprised me because I usually feel relief the moment I give words to the sense. I said to my focusing partner that another part of me wanted the pressure to get softer. I could barely keep my attention with it. My focusing partner made suggestions, like asking the pressure-part what it needed and inviting me to set the pressure at a bigger distance. But the pressure-part kept being really strong. It was a relief when my partner said it was time to end the session. I had a headache for half an hour after the session.

"Now, my question is: if a/the sense is so strong, is it a good idea to stand by it or what do I or my focusing partner do?"

Dear Debby,
When an uncomfortable sensation gets stronger, it can be a real challenge to our philosophy of "the radical acceptance of everything"!

Let's remember, though, that our felt experiences come in the way they need to come, in the place and at the intensity that they need to be felt, in order to be met and to carry forward to what is next for them.

If this is true (and I believe it is), then any attempt to change our felt experience from the way it is will simply delay the process of carrying forward and life-forward change.

At the same time, strong and even painful body experiences can be hard to stay with. Of course!

You were aware, during the process, of another part of you wanting the pressure to get softer. Good for you for being aware of that. What I would recommend next is to invite that part to let you know what it is worried about. You will likely get answers such as, "It's worried this will keep getting worse and worse," and "It's worried I can't do my work today if this lasts all day." So then you acknowledge the worries of this part of you. (It usually calms down a bit.)

Now turn back to the uncomfortable sensation. You, as Self-in-Presence, can trust that it is strong like this for some good reason, from its point of view. So turn toward it with compassion and interested curiosity, and say, "I sense you there, and I really sense how strong you are!" Its strength, you see, may well be part of its message.

For example, in a recent Focusing session of this type, the Focuser said, "Oh! I'm sensing that it's afraid if it isn't strong, I am going to ignore it."

What to do (and what not to do)
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What might a Focusing partner do in such a case? I would recomment saying something like, "You might take your time to sense it just as it is." And: "You might say hello to any other part of you that finds it hard to be with."

What I do NOT recommend would be any suggestions that try to get the experience to change, and come from the point of view that what is happening is not OK.

"What does it need in order to release?" is something I would not recommend... because the implication is that it should release, and we need to do something to make it do so.

"Maybe you can set it at a bigger distance" is also something I would not recommend. Do you see how that assumes it is not OK as it is?

Really the most transformational thing you can do with any strong felt experience is feel it exactly as it is... really sense into it... and describe it, using fresh metaphors, as if you are encountering it for the very first time ever. This is a method I even use with the pain from a sudden injury. I find that the pain does intensify at first... but as I stay with it, purely sensing and allowing it to be as it is, the experience shifts.

It's when we get identified with an inner struggle with these experiences that they stay the same and don't change.