Living a Focusing Life

October 27 2009 - Getting Unblocked #34

When something unfortunate happens--like an important computer file disappearing--what do you do? Do you panic? Call yourself stupid and worse? Give up? It doesn't have to be that way. Read on...

How not to panic and what happens then

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Carol, who recently completed our course "Radical Gentleness," wanted to share this story:

"A couple of days ago I was dutifully updating a copy of the article I was writing, from my flash drive to my computer, and somehow it disappeared. In the past this would have sent me into sheer panic mode... then it would have become intense self criticism, and then a fury of anger at everything and everyone... eventually I would have felt beaten down, assuming that my writing career was simply not meant to be.

"So, instead, you know what happened? I said one unprintable word and proceeded to calmly look for it; when I realized I couldn't find it, I called my friend; when she couldn't help, I called my computer guy (everyone needs one). He said he could find it. I went back to other work. Later, my computer guy rescued my article from somewhere (cyberspace?). And that's the end of the story.

"Ann, what a testimony to IRF and your course on Radical Gentleness.

"P.S.  I now have copies of my article draft in several places on two computers!"

We stay calm, we take action, we keep it all in perspective

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How much of the suffering we face each day can be traced back to getting caught up in reactive emotional states? A lot... or so it seems to me... and I've devoted my life to finding ways to relieve that suffering, starting with myself of course.

It absolutely doesn't work to try to stuff our feelings and impose calm. "Get over it." "Think lovely thoughts." All those positive thinking methods share the same problem: they ignore what is so. "What is not felt remains the same," Gendlin says, and likewise for what is ignored.

But what we CAN do is turn toward what troubles us with a friendly quality of interested curiosity. "Oh, hello!"

By doing that, we become what those panicky inner places need: Self-in-Presence. Instead of taking over, they calm down. They're like scared kids who need a hug and then they're OK.

It's not always easy-- but it's truly that simple.

October 20 2009 - Tip #201

Any situation in your life can give you a felt sense, whether it is painful or not. But you need to learn to pay attention to what is subtle. Read on...

"Can I  use Focusing even if I'm not disturbed or in pain?"

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Rachel writes: "What if there is no pain, nor anything directly disturbing about something that is important, that you want to focus on. Let's say you want to change jobs, sort of intellectually you believe it's the right thing for you, but you don't have any major dissatisfaction, or anger, or difficulties. You want to make a change, but you don't have any 'felt sense' to use to help you get a handle on it. Is there any way to help yourself, using Focusing, to make that change, or to understand yourself and your wants better?"

Dear Rachel,
Yes, absolutely!

And thank you so much for writing, because you give me another chance to clarify what a "felt sense" is. (And what it isn't.) A felt sense isn't the sense of pain you feel as you think about your problems. And if that were what a felt sense was, then obviously we would have a limited use of Focusing--it would be only for things that give us pain.

Luckily, that is not what a felt sense is.

A felt sense is the whole sense of "that," whatever you want to get a felt sense of. (You can get a felt sense of anything!)

A felt sense arises freshly, when we invite it. It isn't how we already feel, though how we already feel can be a starting place. Felt senses are different from emotions, they are more intricate, more subtle, and more reliable. Emotions are like each other, but every felt sense is unique.

This is an odd thing to pay attention to, and that's why for many of us it needs training and practice.

More subtle than what we usually pay attention to
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The reason you might think that something "non-painful" like a voluntary job change doesn't give you a felt sense is that we are used to paying attention to distinct, strong feelings.

But felt senses, especially about that type of situation, might be subtle and faint. We might need to sit very still, and maybe have the quiet company of another person, in order to feel them at all.

Once we're in touch with such a sense, and begin to describe it, it usually becomes distinct enough that we can pay more attention fairly easily. But that first contact might not be so easy.

One of the treasures of having a Focusing partner is that in the unintrusive company of that person it is easier to feel those subtle felt senses.

But they have just as much information and just as much potential to move your life forward!

October 13 2009 - Getting Unblocked #33

Where do we start when there's huge anxiety and we can't find a place to start? Read on...

"I can't find a place to focus from or a place to start"

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A reader writes: "I actually had many unmistakable experiences of what you might call 'being in self in presence' until unfortunately it wouldn't work anymore. I think maybe something came up that I couldn't let go of. From then on I've been very shut down. I feel I'm holding something back, and there is huge anxiety and frustration, fogginess, tension as well as doubt about the whole thing. I cannot really get a sense of presence about it as I feel constantly stuck in my head, can't get into my body at all. When I start focusing I can't find a place to focus from or a place to start. It's affecting my life massively and most of my time is spent either ignoring the feelings in order to function or spending large amounts of time trying to engage with them. So I never feel like i get a break from this. There are many things I need to do but feel unable to at the moment. I'm really restricted and have a very narrow sense of awareness, can't even hear the thoughts that might be keeping in this place."

Dear Reader,
Let me start by offering my compassion; what you're going through sounds difficult. But not too mysterious. My guess is that something in you got scared. That happens!

Anxiety, fogginess, tension, doubt... those can all be signs that something got scared and has decided to shut things down inside. So then you literally feel "shut down"!

So where to start... Well, first with your own compassion for this inner situation. You could try saying gently inside, "Ah, maybe something in me got scared...." And perhaps follow that up with, "No wonder..."

Like: "No wonder it feels so shut down, if something got scared." And notice if you feel a bit of ease coming, just from that much.

Finding a place to start when starting is hard

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The place to start is always how it is now. And we assume that how it is now has some good reason.

"I can't get into my body at all." OK. So we trust there's some good reason that getting into the body is hard. Just sensing what's there from wherever you are.

Maybe that means acknowledging something in you anxious because there's so many things you need to do. Sensing how the anxious feels, where it is right now. ("In my head"? Hey, that's OK, the head is part of the body too!)

Even if you feel "nothing" in the body, you still might want to put a gentle hand on your heart, or your belly. Notice if there is a sense of comfort from that, even a little.

Sometimes we need to start with compassion and gentleness, to bring a bit more safety into the inner world, before anything more can be felt.

I wish you well. You can be there for yourself. You can.

October 6 2009 - Tip #200

Focusing is not just for problems! You can also do rich and productive Focusing sessions on non-problematic issues, such as special life milestones. Read on...

Focusing lets us go beyond assumptions and cultural norms
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Today is Focusing Tip #200... and it's also my 60th birthday. Which makes me want to reflect on life's special milestones and how Focusing can be so very empowering, especially when we want to go for our own uniqueness and go past cultural assumptions and norms.

I can pause and get a felt sense of me at 60...

...and the first thing I sense is wonderment, and an image of a blank slate. There are no expectations that I ever had for being 60 that fit how I feel right now! It feels like I'm "off the charts," moving outside known territory.

There is an inner sense of excitement, adventure... And a smile as the words come: "If there are no rules for how to be 60, that means I can create it myself!"

I realize that when I was growing up, I looked all around me to try to understand how I was "supposed" to be. In my small midwestern town, there seemed to be patterns and norms for every age and gender.

What I didn't learn until I learned Focusing was to include a flexible inner sense of rightness. Sure, I can learn from the examples of others. But I don't have to be bound by them. Our ever-changing world needs us to create new patterns out of our talents and needs and connections. How we live our lives will not be exactly like anyone else, even those we choose to take as models.

Not Knowing doesn't have to be scary
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There's something that Barbara McGavin and I realized as we were teaching Treasure Maps to the Soul last week. When you're Self-in-Presence, not knowing isn't scary.

From Self-in-Presence, we can feel the known and the not-known, and both are OK.

I'm feeling this "how it feels to be 60" felt sense, and it feel like "having climbed." Not knowing how much more there is to the climb, or when it levels off, or starts to head downward. Exhilaration, is the feeling.

As for what the specifics are, I don't have to know. I don't need rules or norms or guidelines. I have friends... and my inner sense of rightness.

Thanks to all of you, faithful readers, for being with me on this happy day.

September 29 2009 - Getting Unblocked #32

Is there a past decision or choice that you're still questioning? Maybe even tormenting yourself over? Would you rather not keep suffering like that? Read on...

I don't trust myself to make decisions

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When I started to get interested in how to help people use Focusing to make decisions, one theme that often came up was regret over past decisions.

Regret itself is painful. But just as painful, perhaps more, is the feeling that one can't trust one's self to make good decisions. There is often a harsh inner critic lurking about, saying, "That was dumb!" (or worse) about a past decision.

I noticed that all these situations had something glaringly in common: there was something about the person's present life that felt bad. Quite bad. Frighteningly bad.

"I'm really scared about money now. I don't have enough money to feel safe." leads by internal logic to: "I shouldn't have made that bad investment decision." And that leads to "I can't trust myself to make any investment decisions." Or any decisions at all.

If life feels pretty good right now, there are no strong voices about the awfulness of past decisions. That may seem obvious... but it's quite important, because it suggests that those harsh inner voices and the suffering involved is really about life now, and not about the past, really, at all.

"I should have gotten a second opinion"

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I remember some years ago, after my Mom died from the complications of a failed heart operation, I was wracked with regrets. "I should have gotten a second opinion." "I should have stayed longer with her in the hospital her last night." "I should have moved to live near her." "I should at least have given her another foot rub!"

For weeks, my regrets and the sense of inner criticism for making wrong choices were so strong that I kept replaying the last days of her life over and over, as if I could change what had happened. But no matter how often I pictured myself making different choices, Mom was still gone.

Finally I did some Focusing. And I could sense that under that frantic agonized scolding there was something deeper. When I got quiet and took time I could sense it there, huge, and I was able to be with it. It was something in me raw with loneliness. Missing her. Scared I had let her down somehow.

When I touched that place directly, and let it know I heard it, I could feel it wasn't true that I had let her down. Instead, there was a warm feeling, and the words, "It's OK."

A few Focusing sessions like that, and the unbearableness of the pain melted away, leaving me with a bearable process of grieving. And no more regrets.

September 22 2009 - Tip #199

"There is a sense of something trying to invade my space..."
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A reader writes: "There is a particular felt sense that I get which is a sense of invasion. There is a sense of something trying to invade my space or doing so. I really think that this particular felt sense (the one which invades) is not a disassociated part as I have tried focusing with it as that. I think it's a hangover from a quite traumatic experience where I felt bullied by someone else and that person was generally in my personal space. If I try to focus and pay attention to 'the part that wants to get into my space', I can't make a connection and I feel that it is my sense of a previous experience so isn't actually me. I have tried a lot and it doesn't seem to work with all the ways of paying compassionate attention - it just increases the sense of invasion, and it's very uncomfortable for the part of me that feels invaded."

Dear Reader,
I think you're right on track in that last sentence: there's a part of you that feels invaded. That's what needs your compassionate company.

As for the feeling of something invading... well, that brings me to an aspect of Self-in-Presence that I rarely get to talk about.

You as Self-in-Presence are not only compassionate toward parts of yourself. You are also the guardian of the safety of the inner space. Focusing requires safety, inside and out.

For example, if two parts start to fight with each other, you (Self-in-Presence) get to step in between, and say firmly "Speak to me. I'm here to listen, speak to me."

This firm, strong side of Self-in-Presence still carries qualities of calm and non-reactivity. There is no anger or harshness here. You are firmly and calmly guarding and holding safe boundaries.

"This space is mine. Time to go."
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In the case of something invading, you get to say firmly and calmly, "NO, this space is mine. Time to go." and mean it.

Like if a strange dog walked into your house, you wouldn't just focus on how bad it felt that it came in without asking. You would say, "Out, right now, I mean it!"

Then once your personal space is guarded and there are no intruders inside, you can do Focusing again, and maybe some of that Focusing will connect back to the previous traumatic experience you mentioned. Your body may be needing to show you how bad that felt, and needing YOU (as Self-in-Presence) to hold a calm space of really hearing/seeing that.

Self-in-Presence guards safety. It's very hard to get a felt sense and do Focusing if you don't feel safe.

September 15 2009 - Getting Unblocked #31

This past weekend I attended a great presentation where the presenter quoted Carl Rogers, who said: "The curious paradox is that when I accept myself just as I am, then I can change." Can you feel the paradox there? And the wisdom?

How do I accept what I want to change?

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What drives most of us to do inner healing work with ourselves is the urge to change, the feeling that things are not right as they are.

Sometimes that urge is so strong it turns into self-blame, a feeling of wrongness, painful criticisms of ourselves. "If only I weren't so...." (lazy, self-indulgent, scattered, confused, stupid... add your own label here!)

And this in turn can lead to the urge to get rid of or do away with aspects of ourselves. "If I just didn't have the addiction to sugar I'd be fine." "If I could just get rid of my fear, then I could accomplish so much."

But when I take sides against myself, there is no life-forward-movement that can happen. Trying to make myself other than how I am, from this taking-sides position, is hopeless. It's like standing on a rug and trying to move the rug.

So how can I change? Carl Rogers had the secret: "When I accept myself as I am, then I can change."

But HOW do I accept myself as I am if I don't accept myself as I am?

Ah.....

Accepting non-acceptance

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When I find something in me that doesn't accept how I am, I say Hello to it.

I acknowledge it. I turn toward it with interested curiosity. I can be with it.

And in being with it: I am not that.

It sounds like this: "I'm so tired of encountering my fear every time I try to go public in some way. If I could just get rid of my fear, then I could accomplish so much. Ah, OK. I need to say Hello to something in me that is tired of the fear. *whew* I can feel that makes some space inside. Yeah, something in me is tired of the fear... and also something in me is afraid. That's there too... Now I'm being with both of them, and I'm bigger than both. I can feel this big space. I'm taking deeper breaths. I really have a sense of possibility here."

So to say it simply: I can't make myself accept, but I can turn toward non-accepting.

I can't make myself change, but I can turn toward what's in the way of change.

And then change comes.

September 8 2009 - Tip #198

What if you don't want to do Focusing because the problems are so tough that they can't change anyway? Read on...

"How do you do Focusing when you don't want to do Focusing?"
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Ian writes: "How do you do Focusing when you don't want to do Focusing?"

He adds: "I'm sure, in decades of Focusing's existence, someone must've asked this before!"

Dear Ian,
Yes, absolutely, that question is not a rare or a strange one!

And we don't ever want to force or trick ourselves (or parts of us) into Focusing when they don't want to. That wouldn't work, anyway, besides creating a low-trust inner relationship.

But what you can do is say to it something like, "Sure, we don't have to do Focusing today if you don't want to... and I'm sure you have a good reason not to..."

Right there, where you didn't exactly ask a question but you did indicate your warm interest in knowing more, you're likely to start sensing the "why not."

It could be anything. It could be something in you scared of what you'll find, today. It could be something in you knowing that today it would take time, and not wanting to take the time. It could be something in you feeling tired of being nice. All kinds of possibilities.

Even though you're not really Focusing (you wouldn't do that when it didn't want to!), you can certainly acknowledge the not-wanting-to, and let it know you hear it.

When stuck between a rock and a hard place

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I have a feeling I know what Ian's reason for not wanting to do Focusing is. Because he goes on to ask the following, which he says is a related question:

"When stuck between a rock and a hard place, can Focusing still be useful? I'm referring to intractable situations imposed by circumstances and/or by more powerful people, where choices are either limited or non-existent - in other words 'lose-lose' situations."

First, let's say that no wonder something in you doesn't want to do Focusing if it believes that it won't do any good! "That stuff out there--those people and those circumstances--that won't change. So what good will Focusing be?" Right?

OK, now I'm going to say something kind of amazing, so listen carefully. (It's something I've just been learning from Gene Gendlin, so I hope I get it right...)

When we put the problem out there, and say that THAT can't change, that is a viewpoint. By doing that, we have already sliced up the world in a certain way. We have separated ourselves from the problem... and that is as much of a problem, and as wrong, as separating mind from body.

I know that's quite a philosophical mouthful... but the good news is, you don't have to understand all that for Focusing to work.

The simple answer is Yes, emphatically yes, the Focusing process works to bring change even when a part of us doesn't believe that change is possible, and even when it looks like the problems are all out there, over there, totally separate from powerless little me. You just need to be especially careful to identify as Self-in-Presence, and make an inner welcome for a fresh felt sense to form... the way it feels right now, beyond previous words and concepts. You'll amaze yourself.

September 1 2009 - Getting Unblocked #30

Location, Location, Location...

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Here's where change is possible: here and now.

There's no other location that works!

And this is important because our attention has the capacity to be all over the place--past, future, worlds that never existed... but actual change only happens here and now.

So when your life is blocked somehow, the first thing to do is to come into here and now. When you do, you'll probably feel some relief already!

I suggest the following steps:

Notice how you are sitting (or standing). Let your awareness come more fully into your body. Perhaps the easiest way to do this is to find where your body is in contact with something, and feel the sensation of that contact.

For example, right now I am sitting. I feel the contact of my feet on the floor. I feel my upper thighs and buttocks and back resting on the chair. I feel my hands resting on the laptop keyboard. I take time to savor those sensations.

Another way that works for many people is to feel the breath. ("I'm noticing the feel of my breathing.")

And then, for Focusing, I include my awareness of the inner area of my body: the area that includes my throat, chest, stomach, and belly.

The body's sense of what is stuck

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Many methods say it is good to be in the here and now. The trouble is, they don't always say how to do it.

And they don't always say what to do next.

Here's what I'd suggest: Now that you're in body awareness, invite the trouble that's been bugging you to form as a body sense.

Like this: "I'm inviting the feel right now of that whole thing about the unfinished project."

Use non-judging language. (Not "that whole thing about being useless and lazy.") Just name the issue without interpreting it, like a neutral party.

Then wait with awareness in your body... wait for something to arise. It won't be strange or unfamiliar, probably. But it might be vague and hard to describe. That's the place where we can lose track, and think it's not working, or think it's nothing. Your body gives you its whole "feel" of the issue you're stuck about, and you need to give it time to do that, and also patience, if it's unclear or vague.

There is more to the process, but it all starts here--with location, location, location.

August 18 2009 - Tip #197

I said last time that the purpose of Focusing is to enable carrying forward of what is implied. So what the heck does that mean? Read on...

"Carrying forward" is when what happens is just what was needed
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When I wrote in the last issue of the Tips that the purpose of Focusing is "to enable carrying forward of what is implied," I knew I was raising a key question.

What IS carrying forward of what is implied?

Gendlin made up this phrase "carrying forward" to refer to something very specific in his view of how the world works. Carrying forward is when what happens is just exactly what was needed.

Exciting, eh? All of your dreams come true?

Well... It's not all of your dreams. Carrying forward could be any fulfillment or satisfaction of what was needed--and most often it's a rather small one. (Big changes are made up of a lot of small shifts...)

So when you're Focusing... or just contemplating... and something comes, a thought, a feeling... and it brings a sigh, one of those releasing sighs... and you can feel in your body that something shifted... that's carrying forward.

Something has been fulfilled, met, completed. You probably don't even know what! But your body knew. And now YOU know because you were paying attention, you can feel the relief, the sigh, the letting go. It becomes familiar. It becomes your familiar body-signal that there has been some carrying forward for you.

Carrying forward can happen any time, not just in Focusing
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The other day I was in the midst of being irritated with a friend. My stomach was clenched up tight, and I was trying to make her see my side. In the meantime, she kept trying to get me to see her side. We were getting nowhere.

Then something wonderful happened. She stopped for a moment, looked at me, and said, "I know you were just trying to help."

And my stomach let go! A big breath came. She had just said exactly what my body needed her to say. I didn't even know that was what I wanted to hear, until my body told me.

After that, I had the space to do the same for her... to try to say exactly what she needed to hear.

Yes, carrying forward can happen any time... and the great thing about learning Focusing is that you are learning HOW to tune in to exactly what needs carrying forward and how to have that happen.

The body knows!

August 4 2009 - Getting Unblocked #29

Are you depressed because it seems as if you just CAN'T do what you need to do? That is pretty depressing! Read on...

"I'm so depressed - I'll never be good at this - I just can't do it."

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I am SO in love with the Focusing process! It is a love affair that has been going on for 37 years now, and gets deeper with every year. Nothing thrills me more than being able to be present with someone who is moving forward into fuller life. I am truly the luckiest person in the world that I get to be present for sessions like the one David had this morning.

David has been feeling totally blocked about creating his new website. He started his session by telling me how awful he was feeling, how depressed... and how every time he even thought about getting to work on the website, he started having defeating thoughts, like, "I'll never be good at this."

I invited him to bring awareness into his body and to sense how all that was feeling right now.

The first thing that came was, "Wow, it already feels different when I slow down and feel it in my body. I haven't been doing this."

Then he said, "It's a deflated feeling. Something just feels so lost."

I invited him to keep company with something in him that was feeling deflated, and lost. To let it know he heard it.

David said, "I'm really letting it know that I hear it... that it feels so overwhelmed."

Then he paused and added, "For some reason 'overwhelmed' is not the word."

There was a longer pause....

"It's not the tasks that are overwhelming..."

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"Oh!" said David. His voice held excitement. "It's not the tasks that are overwhelming. It's more like... like figuring out the order to do them. I get an image of a vast jigsaw puzzle. That's what it's like."

Now David is quite energized. His whole demeanor has shifted. Words like "deflated" or "depressed" are the farthest away from him right now. He's been in contact with this for a total of about fifteen minutes.

In the rest of the session, he has a number of insights about how he can approach his tasks, what kind of help he can get, how this connects with other times and other situations. But never does any sense of being deflated or depressed return. He is now in a new place, not only about his website, but about any series of tasks in his life.

What's the secret of such a dramatic shift? That place has just been waiting inside him to show him how it really felt! Until he started Focusing, he hadn't asked! The secret is the contact, the interested curiosity...

Most of the time, let's face it, we walk around at the mercy of our emotional reactions, thinking we already know what they're about.

But when you've seen this process unfold as often as I have, I can tell you, we don't have a clue! And all we have to do is pause, get in contact, and ask--and what the body process knows about what it needs comes bubbling up.

I love it!

July 28 2009 - Tip #196

How does "Self-in-Presence" of Inner Relationship Focusing compare with "Big Mind" or "Compassionate Heart" of meditation practice? Read on...

"It seems that Focusing language is a way to disidentify with the form..."
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Gary writes: "As a relative newbie both in Focusing as well as in formal sitting meditation practice, I wonder about the overlapping between the two skills/disciplines/techniques. Most meditation teachers make a point of dealing with distractions (thoughts/feelings) by simply acknowledging their emergence in our awareness and then let them go without clinging either through attraction or avoidance.  Some use the metaphor of surface activity on a lake versus the quiet calm at the lake's bottom.

"It seems to me that Focusing language like 'I'm aware of something in me...' is a way to do this, a way to disidentify with the 'form' in choosing the 'formless,' while recognizing that each has its place. In both modalities, isn't the aim to identify with the larger picture, the larger self?  Is 'Self-in-Presence' the same or similar to 'Big Mind' or 'Compassionate Heart'?"

Hi Gary,
My colleagues and I have often observed that Focusing practice shows HOW to do what other methods say is a good idea! "Be compassionate to whatever is arising in you." Easy to say... but how?

I am fascinated by this "how." I've got a lot of moves that help. Using Presence Language is one way: "I'm sensing something in me is feeling restless" or whatever. Another way is to put a gentle hand on the place in the body where the "something" is. Another way is to feel your body's contact with what you're sitting on, and rest into that support.

I've also noticed that when people get too involved in what to CALL the state they are trying to get into, that interferes with getting there.

Is "Self-in-Presence" the same as or similar to "Big Mind" or "Compassionate Heart"? I think the question itself takes us astray. I prefer the question: What is the process like? What do I do, what happens, what does it feel like?

Dealing with distractions by letting them go
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Yes, I would say that meditation and Focusing walk quite a long ways down the same road together. However, there are differences.

You mention that meditation teachers suggest dealing with distractions by letting them go without clinging to them through attraction or avoidance.

To me that points to the essential difference between Focusing and any form of meditation: the purpose. (Sure to be at least partly wrong, for the sake of contrast I will make some bold statements...)

The purpose of meditation is to dwell for a time in a state of nonattachment.

The purpose of Focusing is to enable carrying forward of what is implied.

(In Focusing we spend time with felt senses, which contain wholistic knowing of what is needed for our forward steps. Our purpose for being with them is so that they can carry forward--and the forward steps can actually happen.)

So these are quite different purposes!

Gary, you ask whether, in both modalities, if the aim is to identify with the larger picture, the larger self.

I would say no. For Focusing to work, we need to be Self-in-Presence, yes. (And the good news is that there are many ways that help with that.) But that doesn't mean that the aim of Focusing is to be Self-in-Presence. In relation to the Focusing process, being Self-in-Presence is a means to an end... and that end is to enable felt senses to form and be with them, because thus we take our life-forward steps.

July 21 2009 - Getting Unblocked #28

Does it ever feel like your criticisms of others have something to do with your own blocks? Read on...

Criticizing Another Person

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Eli writes: "When I sense internal anger, many times I do not find two internal 'parts' (one angry at the other), but an angry part criticizing another person. How should I work with that part?"

Dear Eli
When we start bringing awareness to a block inside us, it could indeed happen that we find a part of us that's angry at another person. After all, someone must be to blame! *smile*

So we'll start in the same way as ever, with the very powerful and important Presence Language.

"I'm sensing something in me that is angry at Tom." No need to go into the names and "blames" that this part is throwing at Tom. They aren't the point right now.

Now sense (if you haven't already) where and how this lives in your body at this moment. Maybe it feels like a constriction in the chest... or a clenching in the stomach... or...

Once you find it (this could take a bit of time), offer the word "angry" to the body feeling. Let that word shift as it needs to, to fit the feeling even better. If you get "it's not exactly angry," that's exciting!

(And by the way, this is exactly the process if the inner part is angry at YOU instead of another person. As I hinted above, there's a very typical blaming process when life feels stuck. We either blame ourselves or others. There aren't many other choices!)

I predict that once you have used Presence Language to get bigger than the struggle, you've sensed it freshly in your body, and you've checked for fresh language, the whole thing will already feel quite different--and you'll be able to continue, when you have time, with the rest of the Focusing process.

Maybe the Other Person is Really Yourself

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Eli wrote back: "My 'hidden' question was whether the other person might be representing an exiled part."

Well, yes! That could happen, and does happen.

An exiled part is a part of ourselves that other parts of us are so afraid of (ashamed of, threatened by) that there is a process of exclusion from awareness going on. "I don't want that, it's not me."

Many have observed that what we deny in ourselves, we have to encounter in others.

The good news is that by doing Inner Relationship Focusing, starting with what IS in awareness in the way I've described above, we ultimately call back the exiles, while respecting the parts of us that have exiled them. We don't have to know, when we encounter anger and criticism at others, whether that is really something else. We just need to be Self-in-Presence and meet it without judgment, and seek to get to know it better.

July 14 2009 - Tip #195

Did you ever have the experience of having to stop Focusing when it's unfinished? You might say that you'll get back to it later -- but what if it doesn't trust you to do that? Read on...

"It takes a while to get there and then it's time to stop..."
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Cathy writes: "Often in my Focusing sessions with my companions, the time runs out just as I am starting to get to the core of something significant. I usually will close with mentally marking that spot and assuring the part that still needs to be listened to or explored that I will be back.
 
"First of all, I don't necessarily come back to that specific issue or place in my body because my understanding and experience of Focusing is that it's best to go into the body and spontaneously see what is there in response to a general invitation or a particular issue/question.

"Second, even if a recurring pattern does come up again, i.e. tension in my solar plexus that feels fearful and doesn't trust me to take care of it, I don't necessarily make any progress with it because it takes me a while to get there and then it's time to end again.
 
"Can you address if and how we can continue in a new session where we left off in the last session, to help bring some conclusion?"

Hi Cathy,
So the first thing I'd suggest, if your time often runs out just as you're starting to get to the core of something significant, that you discuss with your Focusing partner the possibility of longer sessions. I have found that longer sessions are really important when you are working with long-standing important issues. Perhaps even an hour each.

One way to do hour-long sessions with a Focusing partner is to alternate the time, one week your turn, the next week their turn. The depth and attention available that way can be significant.

And yes it is best to sense freshly what is here in the body right now--but you have every right to ask for that fresh body sense to be ABOUT your long-standing issue that you wanted to get back to. (See Tip #194, June 30 2009)

But it could be that what's really going on here has to do with trust...

When whether IT trusts YOU is the issue
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In Inner Relationship Focusing our standard move at the end of a session is: "I'm letting it know I'll be back."

But in specific instances, for specific types of issues, there are other kinds of endings that can feel even more satisfying and facilitative.

Cathy, you mention a recurring pattern like a tension in your solar plexus that feels fearful and doesn't trust you to take care of it. I've noticed a couple of things about Focusing sessions where trust in the inner relationship is the issue.

(1) For YOU to be there, showing up as Self-in-Presence, calm, relaxed, and compassionate, is the healing process. That's what it needs.

You can enhance that contact by sensing from IT what kind of contact IT would like from YOU right now.

(2) That doesn't mean it trusts you right away! Trust takes time. So Focusing sessions like these need time. No wonder you're writing to me about this!

If you KNOW that when trust is an issue you're going to need lots of time, that can help everything inside you relax. This takes time. OK, we can do that.

(3) The truth is, when trust is an issue, it may not matter how long your sessions are. Even hour-long sessions may not make a dent in how much non-pressured company those parts need. We're taking days, weeks, even months sometimes.

So let's end the session in a way that also lets it continue. Here's a phrase I like: "I'm sensing what kind of contact it wants from me even after the session is over."

You can also take time at the ending to sense an image or a symbol that it wants to show you, that will help you stay with it or find it again.

July 7 2009 - Getting Unblocked #27

Watching TV, playing computer games... Where did my will and attention go? Read on...

The Inner Escaper

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Last time I talked about the Inner Rebel. There's another typical way we respond to pressure -- by escaping.

Sometimes we watch TV or play computer games for fun. Just pure entertainment and pleasure. But sometimes we find ourselves engaging in those activities with a very different feeling, a sense of "getting out from under" something we really "ought" to be doing. And then it's not as much fun, truthfully. In fact it feels more like being caught up in something that "I" can't seem to stop.

There could be other activities that feel that way to you... are there? If you're not sure, ask yourself, "Does it feel like there's something else I should be doing?"

And I hear some of you saying, "There's always something else I should be doing!"

Therein lies the difficulty. If there's a part of you that's so worried about how far "behind" you are in your life that it is always urging you to do more, no wonder another part of you needs to escape!

Getting Free of the Struggle

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There's a part of us that keeps saying we have to do more, and another part of us that looks for chances to get some escape from that relentless voice.

And this can feel endless and hopeless, like the cycle goes on and on.

The way out is to stop identifying with either side. Don't BE the voice that says you have to do more, and don't BE the escaper who feels beleaguered by too much to do. Who you ARE is the one who can be with both of them without taking sides, the one we call "Self-in-Presence."

How to do that? Start by acknowledging the sides. "Hello to the part of me that feels so anxious when we aren't doing something from the To-Do list." and "Hello to the part of me that just wants to get away and relax."

Being able to move into the larger perspective of Self-in-Presence isn't the last move, it's the first. Once you're there, you'll be able to listen to the different parts and they'll feel safe enough to open up to you. (That's key! If you're not Self-in-Presence, no one inside feels safe.)