Living a Focusing Life

September 22 2009 - Tip #199

"There is a sense of something trying to invade my space..."
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A reader writes: "There is a particular felt sense that I get which is a sense of invasion. There is a sense of something trying to invade my space or doing so. I really think that this particular felt sense (the one which invades) is not a disassociated part as I have tried focusing with it as that. I think it's a hangover from a quite traumatic experience where I felt bullied by someone else and that person was generally in my personal space. If I try to focus and pay attention to 'the part that wants to get into my space', I can't make a connection and I feel that it is my sense of a previous experience so isn't actually me. I have tried a lot and it doesn't seem to work with all the ways of paying compassionate attention - it just increases the sense of invasion, and it's very uncomfortable for the part of me that feels invaded."

Dear Reader,
I think you're right on track in that last sentence: there's a part of you that feels invaded. That's what needs your compassionate company.

As for the feeling of something invading... well, that brings me to an aspect of Self-in-Presence that I rarely get to talk about.

You as Self-in-Presence are not only compassionate toward parts of yourself. You are also the guardian of the safety of the inner space. Focusing requires safety, inside and out.

For example, if two parts start to fight with each other, you (Self-in-Presence) get to step in between, and say firmly "Speak to me. I'm here to listen, speak to me."

This firm, strong side of Self-in-Presence still carries qualities of calm and non-reactivity. There is no anger or harshness here. You are firmly and calmly guarding and holding safe boundaries.

"This space is mine. Time to go."
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In the case of something invading, you get to say firmly and calmly, "NO, this space is mine. Time to go." and mean it.

Like if a strange dog walked into your house, you wouldn't just focus on how bad it felt that it came in without asking. You would say, "Out, right now, I mean it!"

Then once your personal space is guarded and there are no intruders inside, you can do Focusing again, and maybe some of that Focusing will connect back to the previous traumatic experience you mentioned. Your body may be needing to show you how bad that felt, and needing YOU (as Self-in-Presence) to hold a calm space of really hearing/seeing that.

Self-in-Presence guards safety. It's very hard to get a felt sense and do Focusing if you don't feel safe.

September 15 2009 - Getting Unblocked #31

This past weekend I attended a great presentation where the presenter quoted Carl Rogers, who said: "The curious paradox is that when I accept myself just as I am, then I can change." Can you feel the paradox there? And the wisdom?

How do I accept what I want to change?

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What drives most of us to do inner healing work with ourselves is the urge to change, the feeling that things are not right as they are.

Sometimes that urge is so strong it turns into self-blame, a feeling of wrongness, painful criticisms of ourselves. "If only I weren't so...." (lazy, self-indulgent, scattered, confused, stupid... add your own label here!)

And this in turn can lead to the urge to get rid of or do away with aspects of ourselves. "If I just didn't have the addiction to sugar I'd be fine." "If I could just get rid of my fear, then I could accomplish so much."

But when I take sides against myself, there is no life-forward-movement that can happen. Trying to make myself other than how I am, from this taking-sides position, is hopeless. It's like standing on a rug and trying to move the rug.

So how can I change? Carl Rogers had the secret: "When I accept myself as I am, then I can change."

But HOW do I accept myself as I am if I don't accept myself as I am?

Ah.....

Accepting non-acceptance

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When I find something in me that doesn't accept how I am, I say Hello to it.

I acknowledge it. I turn toward it with interested curiosity. I can be with it.

And in being with it: I am not that.

It sounds like this: "I'm so tired of encountering my fear every time I try to go public in some way. If I could just get rid of my fear, then I could accomplish so much. Ah, OK. I need to say Hello to something in me that is tired of the fear. *whew* I can feel that makes some space inside. Yeah, something in me is tired of the fear... and also something in me is afraid. That's there too... Now I'm being with both of them, and I'm bigger than both. I can feel this big space. I'm taking deeper breaths. I really have a sense of possibility here."

So to say it simply: I can't make myself accept, but I can turn toward non-accepting.

I can't make myself change, but I can turn toward what's in the way of change.

And then change comes.

September 8 2009 - Tip #198

What if you don't want to do Focusing because the problems are so tough that they can't change anyway? Read on...

"How do you do Focusing when you don't want to do Focusing?"
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Ian writes: "How do you do Focusing when you don't want to do Focusing?"

He adds: "I'm sure, in decades of Focusing's existence, someone must've asked this before!"

Dear Ian,
Yes, absolutely, that question is not a rare or a strange one!

And we don't ever want to force or trick ourselves (or parts of us) into Focusing when they don't want to. That wouldn't work, anyway, besides creating a low-trust inner relationship.

But what you can do is say to it something like, "Sure, we don't have to do Focusing today if you don't want to... and I'm sure you have a good reason not to..."

Right there, where you didn't exactly ask a question but you did indicate your warm interest in knowing more, you're likely to start sensing the "why not."

It could be anything. It could be something in you scared of what you'll find, today. It could be something in you knowing that today it would take time, and not wanting to take the time. It could be something in you feeling tired of being nice. All kinds of possibilities.

Even though you're not really Focusing (you wouldn't do that when it didn't want to!), you can certainly acknowledge the not-wanting-to, and let it know you hear it.

When stuck between a rock and a hard place

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I have a feeling I know what Ian's reason for not wanting to do Focusing is. Because he goes on to ask the following, which he says is a related question:

"When stuck between a rock and a hard place, can Focusing still be useful? I'm referring to intractable situations imposed by circumstances and/or by more powerful people, where choices are either limited or non-existent - in other words 'lose-lose' situations."

First, let's say that no wonder something in you doesn't want to do Focusing if it believes that it won't do any good! "That stuff out there--those people and those circumstances--that won't change. So what good will Focusing be?" Right?

OK, now I'm going to say something kind of amazing, so listen carefully. (It's something I've just been learning from Gene Gendlin, so I hope I get it right...)

When we put the problem out there, and say that THAT can't change, that is a viewpoint. By doing that, we have already sliced up the world in a certain way. We have separated ourselves from the problem... and that is as much of a problem, and as wrong, as separating mind from body.

I know that's quite a philosophical mouthful... but the good news is, you don't have to understand all that for Focusing to work.

The simple answer is Yes, emphatically yes, the Focusing process works to bring change even when a part of us doesn't believe that change is possible, and even when it looks like the problems are all out there, over there, totally separate from powerless little me. You just need to be especially careful to identify as Self-in-Presence, and make an inner welcome for a fresh felt sense to form... the way it feels right now, beyond previous words and concepts. You'll amaze yourself.

September 1 2009 - Getting Unblocked #30

Location, Location, Location...

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Here's where change is possible: here and now.

There's no other location that works!

And this is important because our attention has the capacity to be all over the place--past, future, worlds that never existed... but actual change only happens here and now.

So when your life is blocked somehow, the first thing to do is to come into here and now. When you do, you'll probably feel some relief already!

I suggest the following steps:

Notice how you are sitting (or standing). Let your awareness come more fully into your body. Perhaps the easiest way to do this is to find where your body is in contact with something, and feel the sensation of that contact.

For example, right now I am sitting. I feel the contact of my feet on the floor. I feel my upper thighs and buttocks and back resting on the chair. I feel my hands resting on the laptop keyboard. I take time to savor those sensations.

Another way that works for many people is to feel the breath. ("I'm noticing the feel of my breathing.")

And then, for Focusing, I include my awareness of the inner area of my body: the area that includes my throat, chest, stomach, and belly.

The body's sense of what is stuck

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Many methods say it is good to be in the here and now. The trouble is, they don't always say how to do it.

And they don't always say what to do next.

Here's what I'd suggest: Now that you're in body awareness, invite the trouble that's been bugging you to form as a body sense.

Like this: "I'm inviting the feel right now of that whole thing about the unfinished project."

Use non-judging language. (Not "that whole thing about being useless and lazy.") Just name the issue without interpreting it, like a neutral party.

Then wait with awareness in your body... wait for something to arise. It won't be strange or unfamiliar, probably. But it might be vague and hard to describe. That's the place where we can lose track, and think it's not working, or think it's nothing. Your body gives you its whole "feel" of the issue you're stuck about, and you need to give it time to do that, and also patience, if it's unclear or vague.

There is more to the process, but it all starts here--with location, location, location.

August 18 2009 - Tip #197

I said last time that the purpose of Focusing is to enable carrying forward of what is implied. So what the heck does that mean? Read on...

"Carrying forward" is when what happens is just what was needed
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When I wrote in the last issue of the Tips that the purpose of Focusing is "to enable carrying forward of what is implied," I knew I was raising a key question.

What IS carrying forward of what is implied?

Gendlin made up this phrase "carrying forward" to refer to something very specific in his view of how the world works. Carrying forward is when what happens is just exactly what was needed.

Exciting, eh? All of your dreams come true?

Well... It's not all of your dreams. Carrying forward could be any fulfillment or satisfaction of what was needed--and most often it's a rather small one. (Big changes are made up of a lot of small shifts...)

So when you're Focusing... or just contemplating... and something comes, a thought, a feeling... and it brings a sigh, one of those releasing sighs... and you can feel in your body that something shifted... that's carrying forward.

Something has been fulfilled, met, completed. You probably don't even know what! But your body knew. And now YOU know because you were paying attention, you can feel the relief, the sigh, the letting go. It becomes familiar. It becomes your familiar body-signal that there has been some carrying forward for you.

Carrying forward can happen any time, not just in Focusing
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The other day I was in the midst of being irritated with a friend. My stomach was clenched up tight, and I was trying to make her see my side. In the meantime, she kept trying to get me to see her side. We were getting nowhere.

Then something wonderful happened. She stopped for a moment, looked at me, and said, "I know you were just trying to help."

And my stomach let go! A big breath came. She had just said exactly what my body needed her to say. I didn't even know that was what I wanted to hear, until my body told me.

After that, I had the space to do the same for her... to try to say exactly what she needed to hear.

Yes, carrying forward can happen any time... and the great thing about learning Focusing is that you are learning HOW to tune in to exactly what needs carrying forward and how to have that happen.

The body knows!

August 4 2009 - Getting Unblocked #29

Are you depressed because it seems as if you just CAN'T do what you need to do? That is pretty depressing! Read on...

"I'm so depressed - I'll never be good at this - I just can't do it."

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I am SO in love with the Focusing process! It is a love affair that has been going on for 37 years now, and gets deeper with every year. Nothing thrills me more than being able to be present with someone who is moving forward into fuller life. I am truly the luckiest person in the world that I get to be present for sessions like the one David had this morning.

David has been feeling totally blocked about creating his new website. He started his session by telling me how awful he was feeling, how depressed... and how every time he even thought about getting to work on the website, he started having defeating thoughts, like, "I'll never be good at this."

I invited him to bring awareness into his body and to sense how all that was feeling right now.

The first thing that came was, "Wow, it already feels different when I slow down and feel it in my body. I haven't been doing this."

Then he said, "It's a deflated feeling. Something just feels so lost."

I invited him to keep company with something in him that was feeling deflated, and lost. To let it know he heard it.

David said, "I'm really letting it know that I hear it... that it feels so overwhelmed."

Then he paused and added, "For some reason 'overwhelmed' is not the word."

There was a longer pause....

"It's not the tasks that are overwhelming..."

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"Oh!" said David. His voice held excitement. "It's not the tasks that are overwhelming. It's more like... like figuring out the order to do them. I get an image of a vast jigsaw puzzle. That's what it's like."

Now David is quite energized. His whole demeanor has shifted. Words like "deflated" or "depressed" are the farthest away from him right now. He's been in contact with this for a total of about fifteen minutes.

In the rest of the session, he has a number of insights about how he can approach his tasks, what kind of help he can get, how this connects with other times and other situations. But never does any sense of being deflated or depressed return. He is now in a new place, not only about his website, but about any series of tasks in his life.

What's the secret of such a dramatic shift? That place has just been waiting inside him to show him how it really felt! Until he started Focusing, he hadn't asked! The secret is the contact, the interested curiosity...

Most of the time, let's face it, we walk around at the mercy of our emotional reactions, thinking we already know what they're about.

But when you've seen this process unfold as often as I have, I can tell you, we don't have a clue! And all we have to do is pause, get in contact, and ask--and what the body process knows about what it needs comes bubbling up.

I love it!

July 28 2009 - Tip #196

How does "Self-in-Presence" of Inner Relationship Focusing compare with "Big Mind" or "Compassionate Heart" of meditation practice? Read on...

"It seems that Focusing language is a way to disidentify with the form..."
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Gary writes: "As a relative newbie both in Focusing as well as in formal sitting meditation practice, I wonder about the overlapping between the two skills/disciplines/techniques. Most meditation teachers make a point of dealing with distractions (thoughts/feelings) by simply acknowledging their emergence in our awareness and then let them go without clinging either through attraction or avoidance.  Some use the metaphor of surface activity on a lake versus the quiet calm at the lake's bottom.

"It seems to me that Focusing language like 'I'm aware of something in me...' is a way to do this, a way to disidentify with the 'form' in choosing the 'formless,' while recognizing that each has its place. In both modalities, isn't the aim to identify with the larger picture, the larger self?  Is 'Self-in-Presence' the same or similar to 'Big Mind' or 'Compassionate Heart'?"

Hi Gary,
My colleagues and I have often observed that Focusing practice shows HOW to do what other methods say is a good idea! "Be compassionate to whatever is arising in you." Easy to say... but how?

I am fascinated by this "how." I've got a lot of moves that help. Using Presence Language is one way: "I'm sensing something in me is feeling restless" or whatever. Another way is to put a gentle hand on the place in the body where the "something" is. Another way is to feel your body's contact with what you're sitting on, and rest into that support.

I've also noticed that when people get too involved in what to CALL the state they are trying to get into, that interferes with getting there.

Is "Self-in-Presence" the same as or similar to "Big Mind" or "Compassionate Heart"? I think the question itself takes us astray. I prefer the question: What is the process like? What do I do, what happens, what does it feel like?

Dealing with distractions by letting them go
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Yes, I would say that meditation and Focusing walk quite a long ways down the same road together. However, there are differences.

You mention that meditation teachers suggest dealing with distractions by letting them go without clinging to them through attraction or avoidance.

To me that points to the essential difference between Focusing and any form of meditation: the purpose. (Sure to be at least partly wrong, for the sake of contrast I will make some bold statements...)

The purpose of meditation is to dwell for a time in a state of nonattachment.

The purpose of Focusing is to enable carrying forward of what is implied.

(In Focusing we spend time with felt senses, which contain wholistic knowing of what is needed for our forward steps. Our purpose for being with them is so that they can carry forward--and the forward steps can actually happen.)

So these are quite different purposes!

Gary, you ask whether, in both modalities, if the aim is to identify with the larger picture, the larger self.

I would say no. For Focusing to work, we need to be Self-in-Presence, yes. (And the good news is that there are many ways that help with that.) But that doesn't mean that the aim of Focusing is to be Self-in-Presence. In relation to the Focusing process, being Self-in-Presence is a means to an end... and that end is to enable felt senses to form and be with them, because thus we take our life-forward steps.

July 21 2009 - Getting Unblocked #28

Does it ever feel like your criticisms of others have something to do with your own blocks? Read on...

Criticizing Another Person

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Eli writes: "When I sense internal anger, many times I do not find two internal 'parts' (one angry at the other), but an angry part criticizing another person. How should I work with that part?"

Dear Eli
When we start bringing awareness to a block inside us, it could indeed happen that we find a part of us that's angry at another person. After all, someone must be to blame! *smile*

So we'll start in the same way as ever, with the very powerful and important Presence Language.

"I'm sensing something in me that is angry at Tom." No need to go into the names and "blames" that this part is throwing at Tom. They aren't the point right now.

Now sense (if you haven't already) where and how this lives in your body at this moment. Maybe it feels like a constriction in the chest... or a clenching in the stomach... or...

Once you find it (this could take a bit of time), offer the word "angry" to the body feeling. Let that word shift as it needs to, to fit the feeling even better. If you get "it's not exactly angry," that's exciting!

(And by the way, this is exactly the process if the inner part is angry at YOU instead of another person. As I hinted above, there's a very typical blaming process when life feels stuck. We either blame ourselves or others. There aren't many other choices!)

I predict that once you have used Presence Language to get bigger than the struggle, you've sensed it freshly in your body, and you've checked for fresh language, the whole thing will already feel quite different--and you'll be able to continue, when you have time, with the rest of the Focusing process.

Maybe the Other Person is Really Yourself

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Eli wrote back: "My 'hidden' question was whether the other person might be representing an exiled part."

Well, yes! That could happen, and does happen.

An exiled part is a part of ourselves that other parts of us are so afraid of (ashamed of, threatened by) that there is a process of exclusion from awareness going on. "I don't want that, it's not me."

Many have observed that what we deny in ourselves, we have to encounter in others.

The good news is that by doing Inner Relationship Focusing, starting with what IS in awareness in the way I've described above, we ultimately call back the exiles, while respecting the parts of us that have exiled them. We don't have to know, when we encounter anger and criticism at others, whether that is really something else. We just need to be Self-in-Presence and meet it without judgment, and seek to get to know it better.

July 14 2009 - Tip #195

Did you ever have the experience of having to stop Focusing when it's unfinished? You might say that you'll get back to it later -- but what if it doesn't trust you to do that? Read on...

"It takes a while to get there and then it's time to stop..."
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Cathy writes: "Often in my Focusing sessions with my companions, the time runs out just as I am starting to get to the core of something significant. I usually will close with mentally marking that spot and assuring the part that still needs to be listened to or explored that I will be back.
 
"First of all, I don't necessarily come back to that specific issue or place in my body because my understanding and experience of Focusing is that it's best to go into the body and spontaneously see what is there in response to a general invitation or a particular issue/question.

"Second, even if a recurring pattern does come up again, i.e. tension in my solar plexus that feels fearful and doesn't trust me to take care of it, I don't necessarily make any progress with it because it takes me a while to get there and then it's time to end again.
 
"Can you address if and how we can continue in a new session where we left off in the last session, to help bring some conclusion?"

Hi Cathy,
So the first thing I'd suggest, if your time often runs out just as you're starting to get to the core of something significant, that you discuss with your Focusing partner the possibility of longer sessions. I have found that longer sessions are really important when you are working with long-standing important issues. Perhaps even an hour each.

One way to do hour-long sessions with a Focusing partner is to alternate the time, one week your turn, the next week their turn. The depth and attention available that way can be significant.

And yes it is best to sense freshly what is here in the body right now--but you have every right to ask for that fresh body sense to be ABOUT your long-standing issue that you wanted to get back to. (See Tip #194, June 30 2009)

But it could be that what's really going on here has to do with trust...

When whether IT trusts YOU is the issue
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In Inner Relationship Focusing our standard move at the end of a session is: "I'm letting it know I'll be back."

But in specific instances, for specific types of issues, there are other kinds of endings that can feel even more satisfying and facilitative.

Cathy, you mention a recurring pattern like a tension in your solar plexus that feels fearful and doesn't trust you to take care of it. I've noticed a couple of things about Focusing sessions where trust in the inner relationship is the issue.

(1) For YOU to be there, showing up as Self-in-Presence, calm, relaxed, and compassionate, is the healing process. That's what it needs.

You can enhance that contact by sensing from IT what kind of contact IT would like from YOU right now.

(2) That doesn't mean it trusts you right away! Trust takes time. So Focusing sessions like these need time. No wonder you're writing to me about this!

If you KNOW that when trust is an issue you're going to need lots of time, that can help everything inside you relax. This takes time. OK, we can do that.

(3) The truth is, when trust is an issue, it may not matter how long your sessions are. Even hour-long sessions may not make a dent in how much non-pressured company those parts need. We're taking days, weeks, even months sometimes.

So let's end the session in a way that also lets it continue. Here's a phrase I like: "I'm sensing what kind of contact it wants from me even after the session is over."

You can also take time at the ending to sense an image or a symbol that it wants to show you, that will help you stay with it or find it again.

July 7 2009 - Getting Unblocked #27

Watching TV, playing computer games... Where did my will and attention go? Read on...

The Inner Escaper

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Last time I talked about the Inner Rebel. There's another typical way we respond to pressure -- by escaping.

Sometimes we watch TV or play computer games for fun. Just pure entertainment and pleasure. But sometimes we find ourselves engaging in those activities with a very different feeling, a sense of "getting out from under" something we really "ought" to be doing. And then it's not as much fun, truthfully. In fact it feels more like being caught up in something that "I" can't seem to stop.

There could be other activities that feel that way to you... are there? If you're not sure, ask yourself, "Does it feel like there's something else I should be doing?"

And I hear some of you saying, "There's always something else I should be doing!"

Therein lies the difficulty. If there's a part of you that's so worried about how far "behind" you are in your life that it is always urging you to do more, no wonder another part of you needs to escape!

Getting Free of the Struggle

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There's a part of us that keeps saying we have to do more, and another part of us that looks for chances to get some escape from that relentless voice.

And this can feel endless and hopeless, like the cycle goes on and on.

The way out is to stop identifying with either side. Don't BE the voice that says you have to do more, and don't BE the escaper who feels beleaguered by too much to do. Who you ARE is the one who can be with both of them without taking sides, the one we call "Self-in-Presence."

How to do that? Start by acknowledging the sides. "Hello to the part of me that feels so anxious when we aren't doing something from the To-Do list." and "Hello to the part of me that just wants to get away and relax."

Being able to move into the larger perspective of Self-in-Presence isn't the last move, it's the first. Once you're there, you'll be able to listen to the different parts and they'll feel safe enough to open up to you. (That's key! If you're not Self-in-Presence, no one inside feels safe.)

June 30 2009 - Tip #194

Did you ever start Focusing on one topic, only to discover that your body has something else "in mind"? What do you do then? Read on...

"I plan to start with a big issue but something else comes up..."
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Joan writes: "Very often, when I do Focusing, I start with a Big Issue -- something really important to me.  And then, after I do the leading in, and sense into my body, something else comes up. Often the Big Issue is a Major Life Question, and the
something that comes up is something more specific and immediate -- like should I buy that camera for sale on eBay, or should I call this person. The big question I start with is chronic, the thing that comes up when I sense into my body is acute.
     "Of course, I know that sooner or later everything leads to core issues and home plate, and I also see that if I keep Focusing I'll eventually get to everything, but is there a way to make it more likely that I'm going to Focus on what I intended to Focus on ... and is it even a good idea to try?"

Dear Joan,
Two good questions! And I have a couple of answers.

First, remember it is possible to acknowledge what comes up without going into it. At the start of a Focusing session, there may be a number of issues or feelings or sensations that come up... so there can be a preliminary time of acknowledging each one without going into any of them yet. It's a bit like waiting for the cast of characters to arrive.

So when you start your session with your Big Issue in your intention, and an Acute Small Issue comes up instead, you can say "Hello, I know you're there," to the Acute Small Issue... and wait... and there may be other Acute Small Issues that also need to be acknowledged... and YOU are still there as Self-in-Presence, having acknowledged all of those, to now renew your invitation to the Big Issue.

Like this: "Yes, I know you're there... and you're there... and you're there too. And I'm waiting with my whole body sense of here-right-now with all that... And I'm freshly inviting the Big Issue, for my body to give me how-that-feels-right-now as well..."

Those smaller issues may be satisfied with an acknowledgment, or you may have a sense they need more. For example: "I'm sensing the camera issue needs about five more minutes before I get back to the Big Issue."

(So if your scheduled session was only 15 minutes, you're about done by now... and you may want to check with your Focusing partner about scheduling longer sessions!)

How to invite and be with those Big Issues
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And as for whether it's even a good idea to try to get back to your Big Issues -- yes, absolutely! Inner Relationship Focusing is marvelous for helping long-term chronic issues to shift... but you need to keep coming back to them, keep inviting and intending to be with them.

In the April 15 2008 issue of the Tips I wrote about setting up a long-term Focusing project. To summarize what helps:
(1) Have a Focusing journal especially for that project (issue). Write something after each session that concerns it, and review it before the next session.
(2) Schedule two sessions per week, and let one of them be about anything that comes up, and let the other be dedicated to your longterm Focusing project. These can be with two different partners, or your regular partner may want to try this experiment as well. You can support each other by reminding each other that this is the session about the longterm project, or this is the session about whatever comes up.

June 23 2009 - Getting Unblocked #26

The Inner Rebel

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I hate being told what to do. When someone says, "Do that," suddenly that is the last thing I want to do. I start wanting to rebel, duck out, goof off.

And none of my inner parts like being told what to do, either! Which is why it's a recipe for trouble when one part of me decides to be the boss and order the other parts around. "Don't eat that." (I'm sure to eat it!) "Time to go to the gym." (Time for a nap instead...)

If you're like me, perhaps you even get identified with that inner rebel. Like you could put on a black leather jacket and ride your motorcycle through town, scowling at the cops and the teachers and anyone who looks like a parent.

You might feel resentful, put upon, sullen, surly, angry... and yet somehow young and less powerful than those vague authority figures you're rebelling against.

And when you act out those rebellious urges, that can look like too much drink or too much ice cream or too much late night computer solitaire. ("I don't have to go to bed yet!")

Nothing to Rebel Against

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Nobody likes being told what to do... so let's not do that. Let's not tell any part of ourselves what to do.

And let's not hang back while two partial selves inside us duke it out, one stiff and judgmental and demanding, the other feisty and fighting back. Let's step in between and say Hello to one... Hello to the other...

"Hello, I know you really hate being told what to do. Of course!" and
"Hello, I really hear how impatient and frustrated you're feeling, that so much isn't getting done."

When YOU are not either one of those combatants, something huge can shift. If you are not the rebel, then you are also not the worried taskmaster that the rebel is pushing against. YOU can be the whole person, holding it all in calm compassion.

And something really new can happen!

June 16 2009 - Tip #193

I spent the weekend watching six of my advanced students guide six beginners through their first Focusing session. When I watch beginning sessions, I'm especially impressed by the importance of contact in Focusing. Do you agree? Do you know what I mean? Read on...

The Power of Contact
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Often the difference between whether a Focusing process works, or not, is whether the Focuser has a certain quality of contact with his or her inner process.

Those who get into this contact easily can find themselves taking it for granted. Then when it is their turn to help someone else find Focusing, they can be puzzled as to why it isn't "working." But contact is key--nothing in Focusing goes well without it.

What do I mean by contact?

It's contact when you sense that "something" is there--right now. You can inwardly point to it. You might be able to put your hand on the place in your body where you feel it. Or, if it's the kind of thing that isn't so much in a body location, you should be able to inwardly point to it with the words "here" or "there." There is something and it is some place.

It's contact when you can begin trying to describe what is there, right now. It may not be easy to describe--that would actually be good, if it's not--but you are sensing it directly (it's there) so you are able to attempt to describe it.

These descriptions are of how it feels, what it's like, now. (Sometimes we hear beginners saying, "How it usually feels is...." That's a sign to invite them to sense how it feels right now!)

And these are descriptions, not interpretations or analyses. (Sometimes we hear beginners saying something like, "It must be rejection." This is our opportunity to say: "OK, and just notice the feel-quality of what it's like right now.")

It's contact when the Focuser is able to check possible descriptions with the presently felt something inside. If they aren't in contact with it, they can't check!

Contact and checking makes it Focusing
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My students and I watched six people have first sessions this past weekend. They were all delightfully different from each other. One student asked, "With so many differences, how do I know when someone is Focusing?"

Contact is the answer!

If someone is in fresh immediate contact with something they are sensing, right now...

And they can describe it freshly...

And most of all, if they can bring that description back to it, and sense (not think, not guess!) if the description fits...

...then that is Focusing, and we can expect shifts to happen.

June 9 2009 - Getting Unblocked #25

Do you find yourself locked into stuckness that won't change? I'd like to tell you about the power of a very special word--the word "something." Read on...

My $100,000 word

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What's the trouble? What feels stuck?

However you are describing the problem, I bet you'll feel a significant shift if you disidentify from the parts of you locked in the struggle.

Disidentifying feels like stepping back but still being connected--and you can do it with the help of my favorite word -- "something."

I like to call "something" my $100,000 word -- because I wouldn't sell it for $100,000. That's how much I love it and need it to do my work of helping people get unblocked. Let me show you how it works.

Sam described his issue this way: "I'm shooting myself in the foot. I have to get the paper done by the deadline, but I'm using every excuse not to do it. I must want to fail."

Sam is seriously suffering, locked in the inner struggle of stuckness. But I see a way out--and it starts with the word "something."

The Power of "Something"

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I invite Sam to shift his language and say: "I have to get the paper done, but something in me is using every excuse not to do it."

He tries saying it this way--and an odd, inward expression comes over his face. His hand moves spontaneously to his chest.

"It's here," he says. "Ah," I say.

Now that Sam can sense the something in him that is using every excuse to not write the paper, I can show him how to sit with it with compassionate curiosity. He will be able to drop the frustrated guesses he was making about this part of him ("shooting myself in the foot"--"must want to fail") and instead, listen to what that part of him is feeling and wanting.

Invariably, people discover that the blocking parts are trying to help them somehow--and in the discovery, the struggle begins to melt.

The process takes time and patience and the learning of a few new skills--but it all starts with that first moment of change, that shift from "I" to "something in me."

I love that word "something"!

June 2 2009 - Tip #192

This week's question comes from Nass, who describes himself as a beginner. He wondered if the question might be a bit 'stupid'. I don't think so, do you? Read on...

"What if I don't want to say everything to my Companion?"
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Nass writes: "What if I don't want to say everything to my Companion? Does it hamper Focusing?"

Dear Nass,
Great question! This is an opportunity to look at the process of Focusing partnership.

When you're Focusing with another person (we call that person the "Companion" because they keep you company), there is always more going in on you than you can say.

You can't say everything... so what do you choose to say?

The most important thing to remember is that you are speaking for yourself, to yourself. You are not speaking to inform your Companion. So this is not like a conversation, not like "telling" the other person. This can feel a bit strange at first, but once we get used to it, it feels great! We are rarely given a space and time that is just for ourselves.

Since you are speaking for yourself, to yourself, what do you say?

Well, one way to put would be: You say what you want to stay with.

If I feel a tightness in my chest, and I want to stay with that tightness, I say, "There's a tightness in my chest."

And my Companion might say back, "You're sensing a tightness there, in your chest."

Next, it's my job to use my Companion's words to help me stay with, and sense, what feels like "tightness." I'll be sensing for what "more" is there, that hasn't been put into words yet. I'll take my time, not feel like I have to rush. My Companion is comfortable with my silence. When I do sense something more, I'll say that. And we go forward from there.

Focusing without saying what it's about
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You don't have to tell the story or say the life circumstances that you are Focusing on. You can if you want to... and for some people, telling the story helps the felt sense come. But you don't have to.

Focusing works fine if your Companion never knows what it's about.

"I know what this tightness is about. It's about what happened yesterday. And I'm just sitting with it, with interested curiosity."

Your Companion will never ask, "So what happened yesterday?" It's not about the Companion knowing what happened! It's about YOUR Focusing process.

So you can (and should!) always sense from inside what feels right to say, in service of your own Focusing--what will carry your process forward for itself.

(I know one Focusing couple, married many years, who say that the secret of their being able to be Focusing partners for each other is that they never say what the Focusing is about!)