Living a Focusing Life

Focusing Tip #385 - "This part of me stays mute..."

"For months I have been trying to approach this part, but there is just silence back."

Alex writes: 

There is a part of me that stays silent, frozen, mute...and has been that way for a long time despite all my Focusing efforts. For months I've been trying to approach this part, sit nearby, ask questions, wait for any response, but there is just silence back... There were guesses about lack of trust and the need of for different kind of attention (less demanding, less expecting, more accepting), but I am puzzled how to provide "other kind" of attention if I only have what I have.

So my question is - how can I let this part reveal itself?

Dear Alex,

As I hear you describe this part, what comes to me is: It is already communicating. It is letting you know that it is there. This is a lot! Let's appreciate that.

Next, we understand that it is frozen and mute for some good reason. We don't have to know what the reason is, but we can be confident there is a reason. So it would be wrong to try to get it to talk. Instead, we might imagine, what would that be like, to be mute, to feel that I must be mute? Even if it doesn't say so, I can imagine what it's like to feel frozen and that I must stay silent.

This is a kind of "empathic imagination," that is also really helpful with other people. To connect with someone who isn't talking with me easily, I imagine what it's like to be that person. I may or may not put this into words, but the fact that I am trying to sense what it is like for them has an impact. I can tune into body posture, the look of the face, etc. (Even a part of you inside might well have a body posture: crouching, perhaps, or arms folded.)

The trouble with asking questions...

This is also relevant for therapists who have silent clients. As you sit with someone who isn't speaking, you have a choice. You can get more and more distant from this person as you imagine all that you don't know about what is going on in them. Or you can tune into what you doknow, what you can  sense -- through all the nonverbal communications that are so rich.

The problem for me with asking questions is that they usually come from the former position, the "I have no idea what you are feeling" place. So questions are actually a statement of distance, of being disconnected.

Instead of asking a question, connect empathically. Sense what is there to be sensed. You could always be wrong! But it's better to guess respectfully than to create a gap.

I also don't like "ask it what it wants to let you know." That is almost always too big a step. 

Through its frozenness, it is already communicating. It will reveal more, perhaps by its mood or its posture. It might never speak. "Speaking" is not something we should expect of it. Instead, it shows how it is with its being, like animals do. It has a slower, simpler, deeper communication, that you can receive, that you are already receiving. 

Focusing Tip #384 - Anxiety About Exams: "You will fail"

"I feel like two tons have been lifted off my shoulders."

Daniele writes: 

I want to thank you for the newsletter. I feel like I finally understand that worrying thoughts are expressions of a inner part of me that is sincerely interested in my life. 

For years I've been living with the sensation of being under a ton of fear of the future. I was afraid of exams and of anything that required a bit of effort to be faced. I simply didn't understand the nature of worrying thoughts. 

Now I feel like two tons have been lifted off my shoulders. I'm beginning to feeling more free, and the body sensation is like just having had a fresh shower. 

Dear Daniele,

Thank you so much for writing! I'm grateful to hear what kind of impact these email newsletters have had for you. 

Your email gives me the opportunity to remind everyone what a beautifully simple concept this is: that your worrying thoughts are from a part of you that doesn't want you to be hurt, and really does want you to do well.  

Once we really know that, for example, "You will fail," is from a part of us that is worried that we will fail... and doesn't want us to... everything potentially changes. 

In addition to the concept, however, we need the process. We need to say a friendly Hello to this part, and understand right away that it is worried. Doing this changes our identification so that WE are Self-in-Presence.

Part: "You will fail."

My Self: "Ah, hello. It sounds like you are worried that I will fail..." 

Part: "Yes!"

My Self: (kindly) "I really hear you are worried I will fail. I am here with you, I hear you." (putting a gentle hand on the heart)

A worried part is like a child who needs a hug.

It might feel as though the worrying thoughts are what makes you anxious. Facing an exam, for example, we hear "what if I can't remember anything?" and "what if I fail?"

But actually, those thoughts are from the anxious part of us. It's like a scared child who needs a hug. By saying a gentle Hello to it, and putting a hand on the heart, we become the strong adult that this scared child needs.

You don't have to say, "It will be all right." I have found it most helpful to simply say, "I am here." The relationship is what matters: that YOU are here with IT. Now life flows forward, and you do what you can do, from your best self. 

Focusing Tip #383 - When Focusing Just Isn't Possible

"The pain and the fear were consuming."

Susan writes: 

During the weeks prior to a scary scheduled event (surgery), I could not focus. I made contact with my regular phone partners and we could talk, chat, catch up, offer our friendship, but the pain I was experiencing and the fear about the upcoming procedure were consuming. I could say hello to "something in me" endlessly, but no use. Those "somethings" were bigger than any kind of grounding we could come up with. My partners tried to just stay grounded and listen, but I think they also had anxiety for me; we "lost it" so many times that we decided not to try but to just stay connected.

Any suggestions about what to do in such a case? Another surgery is coming up.

Dear Susan,

Yes, anticipating a surgery can be a scary time, and especially if you are in pain. I wish you all the best, may it go well for you.

And it's an important question: What to do when what we feel seems so much bigger than we are... so that doing Focusing doesn't even seem possible.

What is possible at such times is to acknowledge how big it is. "I'm acknowledging that these feelings are really intense today," "I'm really sensing how hard it is to just sit with what I'm feeling right now." This is already a baby step into Self-in-Presence.

You spoke of two experiences that are hard to be with: pain and fear. I'm going to make some suggestions that are aimed at those two experiences in particular.

The word "pain" can evoke fear and tension, and is a bit abstracted from the actual experience. I like the word "sensation." Try exploring the sensation you are having, and describing it as if you had never felt it before. This brings you into the present moment... so you don't have to feel how it felt yesterday or how it will feel tomorrow, just how it is right now. "Sharp... biting... stronger on the left..." --whatever it actually is. In my experience, such precise sensing and describing brings both relief (eventually) and faster healing.

Focusing with intense fear

And then there is fear.

My advice would be: don't ever do Focusing with fear.

Or, to put it another way... there is no such thing as "fear." There is only "something in me which is afraid right now."

Like the word "pain," the word "fear" makes the experience harder to be with, harder to relate to, and harder to experience change in.

If you have a Focusing partner who says, "I feel a lot of fear," try saying back, "You are sensing something in you feeling very afraid." Change "fear" to "afraid." (Feel the difference?)

I predict you will find it easier to be with "something that is afraid" than with "fear." It still might be a very strong sensation in the body. And it might still be strong after you acknowledge it. 

Perhaps the most important thing to acknowledge is another part of you that wishes these experiences ("pain" and "fear") would shift and change. As long as you are identified with that one, Self-in-Presence is far away. So be sure to say Hello to "something in pain," "something afraid," and "something that wishes this would change."  

Focusing involves being present to the experience that is here, just as it is. The body has an inherent life process that moves us forward if we can simply be with what is.

Focusing Tip #382 - "My Focusing partner gets into stories...."

"My Focusing partner gets more involved with stories and interpretations than in going inside."

Sarah writes: 

My Focusing partner gets more involved with stories and interpretations than in going inside to discover and follow a felt sense. The actual Focusing experience with her is short in comparison with the narratives. She comes to her own conclusions, but often they seem to come from her mind. I think she would get more out of the sessions if she would focus more on felt senses and be with them. Could you advise me whether I should be doing anything about this?  

Dear Sarah,

There is such a well-traveled road into stories and analysis! We are so well practiced in talking about our problems! To stay with a felt sense instead of "talking about" takes a lot of discipline and intention. Having a Focusing partner who will help us with this pause is a great gift. So let me give you some suggestions. 

First, make sure this person wants your help. She may be happy with her sessions, and if so, that is her right. 

I teach Focusing partners to ask at the start of every session, "What would you like from me as your Focusing Companion?" If your partner answers that question by saying, "Feel free to give me guiding suggestions if you sense I need them," then you are free to help. (If the partner said, "Just give listening reflections and leave me space," then you'd better not help.) 

My first suggestion is that you always reflect before you give a guiding suggestion. Unless people feel heard, they are unlikely to appreciate guidance. Yes, I mean reflect even stories! You don't of course reflect the whole story, but rather the point of it, what the person is "getting at." 

Focuser: "Early in my life I had a lot of trouble with speaking up. I was so shy, I couldn't say a word, even in my family, if there was more than one person in the room. My older brother teased me about it, and of course that made it worse."

You: "You are remembering how shy you were, and how being teased made it even worse." 

You might need to reflect several times until you reach the point in the story where the person relaxes a little, because what was important was heard. Now is your opportunity to offer a suggestion. 

Helping someone stay with a felt sense in the body. 

To help someone get a felt sense:

"Maybe now would be a good time to pause and get the feel of that in your body." 

To help someone stay with a felt sense that they have described:

"You might offer that word '______' back to the feeling in your body, and sense if that describes it well, or if another word fits even better." 

 

To help someone stay with a felt sense even longer:

"See if it's OK to just stay with that '_______' a while."

 

To help someone come back to a felt sense previously described:

"You might sense if that '______' is still there."

 

To help someone be patient with staying with a felt sense even when "nothing" is happening:

"Maybe you could sense if there is something there that you can feel but you haven't quite put it in words yet."  

To help someone who says "I think..." instead of sensing:

"You might take that back inside to that sense of '______' and sense if it fits in there." 

Focusing Tip #381 - How to Accompany Silence

"When my Focusing client was quiet for a long time, I thought she wanted to end the session."

Jane writes: 

How do you accompany silence? I had a client who was very much into her inner experience and expressing what was happening for her, but then she was very quiet for a fairly long time, with no talking. I wasn't sure if she wanted to end the session. So I told her she can end the session any time she would like or she can stay and explore more.

Unfortunately, she felt that I wanted her to end it and so she returned to the room :(  

Dear Jane,

Or maybe you were right that she wanted to end the session! We can get very strong intuitions when we are accompanying someone... maybe you were right after all.

However, I'd be glad to offer you some other options for what to do when a Focusing client is silent for a long time. In my experience that usually doesn't mean they are ready to stop, but that they may be in a deep process or in need of some more contact from you.

The big unknown when someone is silent is whether they are in touch with a process or whether they have lost touch and have gone into something else like daydreaming. If they are in touch with a process that is valuable for them, I don't want to interrupt. But if they have floated away, I'd like to make connection again and see if they'd like my help to reconnect.

In the last few years I came up with a perfect solution for this dilemma. It's to state what I hope they are doing as a kind of "murmur." Like this:

Me: "You might take some time to just be with that sad place in your heart."

Focuser: "OK." 

    long silence

Me: (quietly) "And you're being with it... just as it is..."

If the person is being with it productively, what I said will not interrupt or disturb them but will validate and support them. But if they have gotten disconnected from the process, this brings them back.

Focuser: "Oh, what was I supposed to be doing? I spaced out."

Let's not leave people all alone in their silences.

Contact in Focusing is a kind of spacious warmth. We allow whatever wants to come, and we stay with it. This is true both in the inner world and in the interpersonal space between you and the person you are supporting.

Gene Gendlin calls this "holding and letting." We are both holding a contact and we are letting anything come, in that contact.

If the Focuser is silent for a long time, you may feel yourself losing contact with them. You may be tempted to ask a question ... "What is happening?" That will surely pull them into contact with you! But it may lose their inner contact.

I like what happens when I stay connected with people by "murmuring" what I hope they are doing. This allows the container that we make together to be both strong and spacious. 

Focusing Tip #380 - "My Body Won't Tell Me What it is About"

"I can't seem to get my body to tell me what those feelings are about."

Susan writes: 

I have a question regarding Focusing. I am new to Focusing and I am able to get feelings, but when I Focus on them, nothing comes up. 

What typically happens is, I can be doing other things, and all of a sudden I will feel very sad and/or an intense feeling of heat in my head area. I then sit down and following your other tips, say "Hello" to the feeling. That does make me feel better. But I can't seem to get my body to tell me what those feelings are about (like fear or death of my husband). 

When I set down to focus without those feelings present, I usually get a "something" in my heart area but nothing comes from that place to tell me what the actual issue is for me to work on.  

Dear Susan,

Let's appreciate how far you have gotten! You can feel a sad feeling in your body, or "something" in the heart area. So far so good!

The thing is -- as you have discovered -- it usually doesn't work to go directly from the body feeling to asking what it is about. It's quite typical to not be able to get "what it's about" just from the body feeling.

So what do experienced Focusers do? Well, they go through a series of little steps that serve to open up the contact and connection with that inner body sense, so that it reveals what it came to reveal. Baby steps... that seem so small!... increase the inner sense of safety and connection so that the process can open up.

So first -- very important -- is the step of describing. Does it feel sad? OK, so where in your body does it feel sad... the heart? So now stay with the heart, and offer the word "sad." Take some time to sense if the word "sad" is a good description for how it feels there right now. Usually you will sense more... another feeling, or what kind of "sad" it is. "Sad like a wounded animal," for example.

When you sense whether the description fits -- this is sometimes called resonating -- you are in closer contact with the felt sense. You are settling down to get to know it.

Taking baby steps lets you stay connected without pushing.

Next, bring some empathy to that place. If you don't yet sense an emotion, now you might sense what emotion or mood it is feeling. Scared? Worried?

If you already sense its emotion -- let's say "sad" -- then stay with it and sense "what gets it so sad." You might try saying "It is sad for some good reason," and then sense what comes next.

If we try to get it to communicate, it will probably not. But if we sit quietly beside it, interested and curious, we will begin to sense more. IT is already communicating. It has come, and it IS communicating. It just has a different language, the language of feeling and expression.

Do you know how you can tell how a dog is feeling? Dogs don't have to talk; we can see their feelings in their faces and bodies. The same is true of this feeling inside you. It has come for a good reason, it is about something.

But whatever you do, describe first. Describing is what puts you in enough contact with something that you can sense there is more. It's in the "more" that the treasure lies.

(And if you're still not sure, do have a free session with one of our advanced students!) 

Focusing Tip #379 - The Enjoyable Feeling Takes Over

"When it swept away another feeling, I knew it could not be Presence."

 

A Reader writes: 

As a Focusing practitioner, I would like some advice on how to be with a part that is "taking the Focuser over" by being calm and soothing. In fact, it is so subtle that it seems to be mimicking the Focuser's Presence. 

The Focuser can come into Presence with "something" regarding an issue but soon after this part comes in, softy and gently "taking over," as if it is "enticing" the Focuser to come where it feels so nice.  

Suspecting that this was a part, and after the Focuser was with it for awhile, I invited the Focuser to sense where was feeling that in the body. The response was that it was all over the body.  

Shortly after renewing a sense of Presence, this good feeling sensation was back. I invited the Focuser to further describe that "something" and the description was "calm." After a while, when invited to sense if there was something it was wanting and/or not wanting, the Focuser's response was that there was no wanting or not wanting, this "something" just "is." The part seemed to be strong and yet it was responding in such a nice, subtle way. In our last session, I was wondering if it was indeed Presence (Focusing processes differ) until it swept away another "something" that had formed. That could not be Presence! However it seemed to be able to "soothe" the Focuser and perhaps there is not much incentive to be with another "something" from that "soft, calm place."  

Ann, what would you suggest to help in these cases?

 

Dear Reader,

I agree that a soothing feeling that sweeps away other feelings could not itself be Self-in-Presence. When we are Self-in-Presence, we welcome and turn toward any other feeling, allowing whatever is here to be felt as it is.

So the calm, soothing feeling is something else. You suspect it is a part. I wonder if it might be sent by a part. There is a difference.

When a person who is Focusing gets close to painful experiences that something finds scary, we may find that person suddenly getting sleepy, or going blank. That doesn't mean that the sleepiness is a part. I prefer what happens when I say, "Perhaps something is sending the sleepiness."

The "sleepiness" itself is hard to say hello to, and has nothing that it needs or wants. But "something that is sending the sleepiness" can emerge for a conversation about what it is scared might happen if it doesn't make the person sleepy right now.

So no wonder this soothing feeling is felt all over the body, and can only be described as "calm," and doesn't have anything it is wanting or not wanting... if it itself isn't a part. The conversation needs to happen at a higher level, so to speak. And a good time for that is right at the moment when the "sweeping away" happens. 

Like this:

Focuser: I have a tightness in my throat when I think about my issue.

You: Maybe you could stay with that tightness a while.

Focuser: It got swept away by this nice calm soothing feeling moving through my whole body.

You: Oh, something swept it away! Maybe you could acknowledge that something in you felt the need to sweep it away. Maybe it would be possible to make a space where both can be there... the tightness and the something that wants to sweep it away.

"There is not much incentive to be with another something…"

You say there is "not much incentive to be with another 'something' from that 'soft, calm' place." I appreciate your empathy for what that's like for the person you are working with.... but let's offer some incentive! Sometimes people need our help to understand the purpose of inviting felt senses. A little teaching moment could turn things around.

Focuser: The nice soothing feeling made the painful feeling disappear.

You: Oh, that's kind of too bad! We were hoping the painful feeling would stay around long enough so you could get to know it better.

Focuser: I just want to feel better.

You: Of course! No wonder, if there has been a painful feeling, you would want to feel better. So here is how you could do that, if you like. You could BE this calm, soothing feeling... and invite the feeling that was painful to be here again, so you can get to know it better. YOU can still be calm... and feel something in you that isn't so calm. Shall we try it?

Focuser: Why would I want to feel something painful?

You: Good for you for asking. A challenging feeling like pain is a signal that something isn't right. When we bring awareness to it with radical acceptance and interested curiosity, it has space to take its own next steps. It changes in the direction of your fuller life. I'd love to show you how. 

Focusing Tip #378 - Is it normal to be stuck for months?

"Four months later I still feel stuck with my felt senses and not much wiser."

A Reader writes: 

"I have bought your Power of Focusing book and despite it being packed with great tips I am afraid that four months later I still feel stuck with my felt senses and not much wiser (unable to get from felt senses to answers or memories and dealing with huge resistance to the process itself).

"Is it normal to be stuck for months without any real insights? Really curious on how long does it take for an average focuser to go from learning the steps to getting the answers as it is very disheartening to read the inspiring examples in the books and not being close to that after months of trying."

Dear Reader,

It sounds like you're being beautifully persistent and committed to your own growth and change. I agree, that should pay off!

And I think the trouble is not Focusing itself. I think the trouble is how hard it can be to learn Focusing from a book.

Maybe I shouldn't say this as an author, but I don't think that books are a very good way to learn how to do a subtle and revolutionary skill like Focusing. There are so many chances for misunderstanding between the words on the page and the actual process.

I still shake my head when I remember a man who came to me for a Focusing session after he had taught himself Focusing from Gendlin's book. At a certain point he had a body sense and I was going to invite him to describe it and stay with it. Before I could do that, he said, "Now I'm going to get it unclear." What? The book had said that a felt sense is "unclear," so he was trying to get that to happen! Do you see the problem? Felt senses are unclear, usually... but that doesn't mean that the way to get a felt sense is to take any body sense and then try to make it unclear. That's the kind of misunderstanding that can happen when we learn from books.

There are so many different things that could be going on…

I'd love to listen to what you are actually doing, when you do Focusing. If you are starting with an issue, how you phrase your issue. If you get a body response, whether you stay with it and describe it, or whether you go into customary thoughts about it. I'd want to find out if you're checking your descriptions with the actual present feeling, and not the memory of something you felt in the past. I'd want to know if you can sense what's not in words yet, including the emotion or the point of view of that "something" inside.

These are some of the things I discover when I do a one-to-one session with someone. Just one session can uncover misunderstandings and get the person back on track with a sense of greater confidence.

That's one reason we offer facilitated sessions -- because each person is unique and there are so many variations that couldn't be listed in a book... not to mention how we each understand the language a little differently.

How about trying a one-to-one session? If money is an issue, we have free sessions available with advanced students. I predict that your Focusing will get a tune-up and you'll discover what needed to happen to allow Focusing to bring you the gifts that you read about. 

Focusing Tip #377 - What is the ultimate aim of getting a felt sense?

"When you get a felt sense, are you supposed to feel it shift, or understand what it's about?"

Jasmine writes: 

"I have one question: when you experience a felt sense, are you supposed to experience it (and feel it shift) or is the aim to get closer to understanding what it's about? What is the ultimate goal?"

Dear Jasmine,

What a great question! Let me see what comes...

The ultimate goal of all our work is to live a fuller life, to be more fully who we are. Life develops, life lives forward... and it also gets stuck sometimes, at least partially. It is at those stuck places that we can get interested in what would bring the life process developing again.

Focusing isn't so much about understanding. After all, you know how easy it is to know what's wrong but still not change! In Focusing we may get lots of aha's and insights, but they aren't what bring change, they are more the result of it. So understanding what it's about is not the goal.

If the felt sense itself were the problem (like your tight shoulders after too much swimming) then we would expect that for it to shift would be the goal. But the felt sense is not the problem! The felt sense is actually the solution to the problem, already beginning to form. It's the place in you that already "knows," and is already beginning to move toward, your further, fuller life.

The felt sense isn't the problem, it's already the solution beginning to form...

When you pause and invite a fresh felt sense about a situation in your life, you are going beyond the usual ways you think about it. You are allowing the "whole feel" of it to come, without requiring it to be clear or make sense.

The forming of a felt sense takes you beyond your usual and habitual concepts to a fresh way of living. It is the change in your life beginning.

That's why we emphasize making a space for a felt sense that allows it to be as it is, and sensing the "more" that emerges from it. The way it is, is much more rich with possibility than the habitual patterns that were there before we brought awareness.

Focusing is all about letting felt senses come and then attending to them so that your own change emerges. So... the goal of getting a felt sense? That's a bit like asking for the goal of a baby! It's to live, move forward, be itself, be yourself, whatever are the next steps of your life.

Focusing Tip #376 - The Shame of Longing

"He will be appalled when he gets to know me better..."

A Reader writes:
"For quite some time, I have been aware of at least two parts: One is longing for a loving relationship and the other one wants to avoid getting to know someone because it is ashamed of very many things, e.g. my looks, way of life, etc. Practically everything.

"This part says: 'He thinks I am great but I am not. He will be appalled when he gets to know me better.' It wants to save me from the pain of being rejected instead of being loved. And this part is absolutely convinced that this will happen and it feels real terror as soon as I like someone. I have listened to it quite often but have not experienced any change, yet.

"Do you have an advice for this? This part seems to stem from my childhood (it showed me scenes from my childhood) but also seems to have been reinforced in recent years and there really is this intense emotional quality of being ashamed and wanting to run away and hide.

"P.S. I think a loving relationship is a human need so I am not really unbiased with regard to this subject but I do try not to press this part and I believe I am Self-in-Presence when I listen to it."

Dear Reader,
This is a tough one! And I really appreciate how much you have done to make a safe inner space for this part of you to be heard... by not pressing it, by doing your best to listen as Self-in-Presence.

You say you have listened to it quite often but have not experienced any change yet.

So... I am wondering about what counts as "change." If change means that you are in a fulfilling love relationship already, then no, that change hasn't come yet. But have you perhaps experienced a "micro change"? That would happen if the part feels so understood by you, that you experience a sigh of relief moving through your body. That much change should have happened. And if it didn't, it means that the listening-to-it needs to deepen and get more precise. (If it did, we can expect a series of those, in a number of sessions, to add up over time to bigger changes in action and belief.)

"I'm letting it know it can be the way it is for as long as it needs..."

Clearly this kind of part, that feels so deeply ashamed of who you are that it actually believes you cannot be loved, must spring from early trauma. Events that lead to the belief that we cannot be loved are traumatic events... since being loved is one of the most basic of human needs. Your whole body has known all along that something 'wrong' happened here.

The place where the wounding lives needs your company. It needs you to be Self-in-Presence: calm, centered, compassionate, steady, and warm. It needs you to say to it that it can be the way it is, as long as it needs to be... and you will be with it. Perhaps bringing to it a gentle hand will emphasize the tender quality of your company.

From there, I'd recommend sensing and describing exactly how it feels. Let it be as it is, and sense how it is. The more precise you can be in "getting" it, the likelier will be those deep whole-body breaths that signal that something needed has occurred.

Being the Self who can give compassion to this part for what it went through adds to your strength, resilience, and resourcefulness. And you can feel that, too.

Focusing Tip #375 - Is Focusing a kind of therapy?

"Focusing is a therapeutic process. So is it a therapy?"

Mary writes: 

"Focusing has been so remarkable as a therapeutic process for me. I'm changing in ways that I wanted to change in 15 years of therapy. I'm so grateful to you and to the Focusing world.

"So is Focusing a therapy? It would have been so great if I had known it before. Shouldn't more therapists know about it?"

Dear Mary,

You are touching on a point that is dear to my heart. Focusing is a therapeutic process (although it is more... it helps with thinking as well!) because when we do Focusing, we change in the ways that carry us toward our own fuller life. 

Yet Focusing as a process is not itself a form of psychotherapy because we can do it alone, we can do it with friends, we can do it with a facilitator who is not a therapist... We can do Focusing in moments in the midst of our day, while driving, while standing in the supermarket checkout line... We can do Focusing while talking to our closest family members... AND we can also do Focusing as a part of psychotherapy.

I too wish that more psychotherapists knew about Focusing! Also coaches, spiritual directors, career counselors, and counselors of all kinds.

How therapists can benefit from Focusing

In my new book, Focusing in Clinical Practice: The Essence of Change, I talk about how powerful it is when the therapist knows Focusing:

 

"As a clinician, your own process of being inwardly connected to experiencing from moment to moment in the therapy setting and also before and after you see your clients is crucial and determinative for how much you can facilitate Focusing in your clients. Your own Focusing process is a source of your genuine presence and our ability to respond to your clients in a way that interacts with and supports their own 'carrying forward.' Your being in touch with yourself at an experiential level can offer you the emotional presence you need to go through difficult relational times with your clients. You can use Focusing to feel complete-for-now with one client and be ready for the next person through the door, and you can bring your more persistent challenging reactions to clients into Focusing sessions with peers or supervisors so that your own needed steps of change can occur, and clear the way for you to be fully present with your clients.

"The Focusing process can support you at the same time that it provides you with a way to support your clients. You and your clients both can be in contact with the fresh edge of experiencing, the emergent process in the moment that is the essence of change."

So help me spread the word, and let's tell all the healing professionals in our lives about Focusing and how it can fit with what they are already doing.

Focusing Tip #374 - If parts can take us over, do we have free will?

"Does a part really have the power to take over?"

Paul writes:
"I've been curious and even troubled by the tendency to talk about inner experiences as if no free will exists. People say things like 'I was captured by a part,' or 'a part took over.' I really want to believe free will and the choice about how to respond to a part's arrival always exists.
 
"Does a part really have the power to take over, or capture us? It seems to me that parts can't really do this on their own, they need our assistance or neglect. We have to believe them and let them go to it. If we are not in that moment in a place of presence enough to see a choice exists then that part can do what we call 'take over.' But when that happens, in my opinion, we do let them do that, and often simply because we aren't being present so we don't understand or see other options.
 
"Just today I was bowling, my children were outplaying me, and I threw a gutter ball. I noticed something in me getting really mad and helpless feeling and wanting to give up. But I noticed that happening and realized a choice existed about how to hold that part and its feelings. I gently let that part know I heard it's embarrassment, and then paid attention to the bowling and what my body needed to do. The next ball I threw I knocked all the pins down."

Dear Paul,
I love your story about the bowling! What a great example of being Self-in-Presence in the midst of a real life situation. You "realized a choice existed about how to hold that part and its feelings." Beautiful!

I agree with you that saying "a part took me over" is not a very empowered way to speak about one's actions. But it might be the most accurate way to express what it feels like in the actual situation. "Who did that? Was it really me?"

I remember once in an argument with my daughter when she was a teenager, I started saying terrible things to her. I couldn't believe those critical statements were coming out of my mouth! I said, "I'm so sorry, I feel like I just got taken over by aliens." She very rightly said, "What bull---t!" She was right because I was and am responsible for the actions I take, no matter how small and partial a place those actions are coming from.

Doing Focusing with the part that took over

When I have used that expression, "a part took me over," it's because I have wanted to understand what was happening when I took actions that were not in accord with my values, or when I felt small and flooded by overwhelming feelings.

At the start of a Focusing session, I might identify a part that had "taken over" at an earlier time. This would be the starting place for an exploration. I would let that part know that I would like to get to know it better, and invite it to come into awareness now in this more quiet setting. I would feel it, describe it, and listen to what it was wanting and not wanting for me. This would strengthen my Self-in-Presence and also change the trust that part had in me, so the next time it needed something it would not need to take over.

I also like to remember that speaking of "parts" can be useful, but it's also metaphorical. We are really whole, and really in process. What seem to be "parts" arise and then pass away. Wholeness remains.

Focusing Tip #373 - Who makes decisions and takes action?

"I don't yet understand which part of me is able to make decisions and take action..."

Jenny writes:

"Several important confusions have cleared for me as I've been learning and practicing Focusing these last two months. Previously, my partial selves had conversations with each other, and now they have conversations with me as Self-in-Presence instead. This is allowing them to feel appreciated and become more relaxed and less troublesome in my life. My ability to be Self-in-Presence seems to be developing and becoming clearer and stronger as I recognize doubts and insecurities as partial selves when they arise. All of this is very helpful.

"I'm writing because I don't yet understand which part of me is able to make decisions and take action. Self-in-Presence has no agenda, but is that the same as having no volition? What part of myself is able to set intentions and fulfill them?"

Dear Jenny,

I love questions about action! Action is such an interesting area! I won't say that I know all about it yet, but I can say what I have learned, and how that fits with the theory that Barbara McGavin and I are developing.

(1) Action can come from a partial-self. This is clear. When you hit SEND on that impulsive, reactive email that a minute later you SO regret sending... well, that was a part of you that sent that email. When you eat the whole carton of ice cream standing at the refrigerator door, all the time telling yourself what a pig you are... that is a partial-self doing that action (and another partial-self trying helplessly to stop it).

Another kind of action from a partial-self is when I feel I have to force myself to do something - and I do - but there is an inner struggle and a sense of something in me being repressed, held down, beaten up, and yearning to get free.

(2) Action can also come from Self. YOU can take action. Taking action as whole Self has a characteristic feel to it, like effortless flow. There is a sense of empowerment, of resourcefulness, having help and not having to go it alone. This may be more or less intense depending on conditions. For example, when I am tired, I can still act from Self, but at the same time I am acknowledging the tired feeling. (Remember that being Self-in-Presence is not the absence of difficult feelings, it is saying Hello to difficult feelings so they are here but they are not who I am.)

The difference between having no agenda and having no volition

Self-in-Presence has no agenda in Focusing... other than the agenda to hold an open space of respectful listening so that all parts can be heard. Sometimes that includes action. If our parts are fighting with each other, beating each other up, we can calmly step in between them, and say something like, "I am here now. Please talk to me." Boundary-setting and creating safety are some of the effects of Self-in-Presence taking action within.

In the world, we act - ideally - as whole Self-in-Presence. The alternative would be to act as a partial-self, and that is not good. Partial-selves have only partial information, so they cannot act wisely taking the whole into account.

Wise, centered, flowing action that springs from the whole Self... which can include refraining from overt action... that's what we hope for.

Focusing Tip #372 - "What if you know what is right but that is not possible?"

"I know deep inside that I need to distance myself from my parents forever..."

D writes:
"I know deep inside that I need to distance myself from my parents forever. This inner knowing of the next step feels so right inside...that I don't even want any speck of anything having to do with them be present inside my body, not even a thought.
 
"But on the outside I feel an obligation to stay in touch, at least for a few years until I fully establish myself to support myself. This is not something I can talk to them about. I see an image of a vacuum trying to pull me closer and me trying to get away."

Dear D,
It's true that Focusing is about sensing the inner knowing of the right next step. And unfortunately - as you have discovered - the right next step is not always possible.

Here's what I love: We can get all the relief and release from knowing and even having the right next step, even though it isn't happening yet. How? Through inviting the body to show us what that right step would feel like. The feeling comes now...and so does the relief. The body changes...and allows the next step after that to begin to form.

At the same time, it is important to acknowledge "something in you" that really doesn't want what in fact is necessary: the continued contact with your parents now. Let it know you really hear it doesn't want that, and let it tell you all about what it doesn't want about that.

"Asking my body... brings tremendous joy and relief..."

In a later email, D wrote: "Asking my body what would it feel like to actually make this step of forever distancing myself from them brings tremendous joy and relief, as if new life and light is coming into my world!"

Exactly! Now you get to have that bodily felt experience of tremendous joy and relief, let it be there for you as fully as it wants to be. This larger experience of yourself gives you even more resources to turn compassionately to the places in you that don't like or don't want what is still necessary.

We don't know what will happen next. Your body shows you that you are shifting to a new place. From that new place, we don't know what your choices will be. Enjoy...and keep sensing...

Focusing Tip #371 - "Shall I reassure the little one inside?"

"How does one know when to reassure and when to simply allow?"

 

Jo writes:
"A recent Tip came in perfect timing to help me with something that has been difficult. I'm working through childhood sexual abuse and regularly experience waking from a recurring nightmare. Reading your response to the reader in Tip #361, I realized that it is no wonder than I have been unable to reassure the frightened little girl inside me - the part of me that has been trying to reassure her is another frightened part - the part that is scared that the nightmare will never end. What a revelation. 
 
Then I read the Tip again and wondered if there is something even more subtle here for me. It feels like the right thing to do, to try to reassure the terrified little girl inside me who thinks someone is attacking her. But when I read: "So be that space. Keep turning toward what is here, allowing it to be as it is," I wondered - am I forgetting a key Focusing practice in rushing so quickly to reassure her? Would I be better to try to simply be that space, turn toward the frightened little girl and allow her to be as she is, trusting that in turning toward, she will find her own way through? How does one know when working through something like this when to reassure and when to simply allow?"

Dear Jo,
I want to appreciate you for noticing that the one rushing to reassure the frightened little girl inside is another frightened part. (The key word there is "rushing"...)

This doesn't mean we shouldn't reassure ourselves, of course. So your question - how does one know when the reassurance is coming from part of us, and when from the whole Self - is a great one.

(Why does it matter? Because if reassurance is coming from another frightened part, it will not actually be reassuring!)

Here is what I would recommend: Be spacious Self-in-Presence, turn toward the frightened little girl, and make a gentle connection with her. "I am here with you." Possibly letting a gentle hand move to where you feel her in your body, will let that contact happen. The touch of the gentle hand is to say "I am here" in a tactile way.

Next invite what kind of contact she would like from you right now. If she asks for reassurance, feel free to give it - because you have been asked. If she asks to be held, give that... but it's equally likely that she may indicate she needs some time, to stand back a bit.

When we are present for what our parts and emotional places need from us, we can be more sure that we haven't gotten identified with "something" in us that is trying to make the feelings go away by rushing to soothe and fix them.

"Isn't self-soothing a good thing?"

Self-soothing is indeed a good thing! How nice to give ourselves the activities and qualities that we can sense would be needed! That might be anything from an inner hug to a warm bath or a peaceful hour of meditation.

This is where we make the kind of distinction that Focusers love: It's not the activity itself that makes something desirable versus problematic. It's the way we do the action, the place in us from which we do it. So if you discover that the urge to soothe came from a part of you that can't stand how uncomfortable something feels... well, say a gentle Hello to that!