Living a Focusing Life

"I put my hand on my chest and my chest won't have it."

 

Nancy writes: "I subscribed to your free e-course on Get Bigger Than What's Bugging You, and I'm enjoying it. However, I'm finding an obstacle when I place my hand on the place in my body where I feel the sensation. For example, I get a tight, anxious feeling in my chest. I say, 'Something in me feels tight and anxious.' I say Hello, then rest my hand on my chest, but my chest wants no part of it! The tight, anxious feeling retreats and my hand feels like a reprimand, as if it is telling my chest not to feel this way. So, I move my hand to a place nearby and say, 'Okay, I sense you don't like that; I'll keep my hand nearby in case you want it later.' Now, the original feeling is gone, 'Something in me' is now 'you' (which happens a lot) and the whole process stalls. I have tried 'No wonder' at this point, (considering I have a history of being told what to feel and not feel), but by then it's all kind of think-y and contrived.
 
So, I've been skipping the hand but I'm still calling 'something in me' 'you' and finding my sensations to be incredibly skittish. They are loud and annoying when I'm paying attention to something else (tight neck while typing this, for instance), but I get a kind of 'who, me?' reaction when I focus. I'm thinking I'm not giving it enough time, but then it turns into a version of 'we will sit here until you eat your vegetables' and we're adversaries..."

Dear Nancy,
You can tell by the way the "something" is reacting that it feels it has an adversary, it feels it is being reprimanded and being told not to feel the way it feels.

But you don't feel that YOU are trying to tell it how to feel. In fact, it sounds to me like you are behaving as Self-in-Presence, being patient, accepting, welcoming, and so on.

So what is it reacting to? I suspect it is reacting to another part of you, a part you are not directly aware of. I suspect that these two parts of you ARE old adversaries: the one that doesn't want to be told what to feel (which you know links back to earlier times for you), and the part that is trying to manage it, police it, keep it under control.

This second part (the one who reprimands) is clearly not in your awareness. It's a type of part that is often not felt in the body - not at first anyway. We recognize it by its effects, by the fact that other parts of us are cringing or rebelling.

As long as this second part is around, unacknowledged but operating, your inner world will not be a safe place for any of your feeling states, and they will react just as you describe: appearing and disappearing, being skittish, demanding attention and then acting like they didn't ask for anything. So this second part clearly needs attention.

"I am saying Hello to something in me that wants to tell this one what to feel." 

Even if you can't feel it, you can start by guessing that it is there.

Your generous and spacious welcome, as Self-in-Presence, extends to this other part as well. It helps to remember that the only reason it is behaving the way it is, is that it is worried.

In fact, you can come right out and say to it, "Might you be worried about something?"

You can make that as specific as necessary: "Maybe you're worried about what might happen if this feeling in the chest is allowed to be here unchanged."

Let it tell you what it is worried about. The very fact that YOU are now in relationship with this "protecting" part of you will make your inner world a safer place for the other feelings, the "somethings" that come. (I'm so grateful for my partnership with Barbara McGavin, without whom I wouldn't know or be able to articulate any of this!)

You've got a good thing going because you've got a "parts detector" -- as soon as "something in you" doesn't react to your kindness as if it were being treated kindly, you know there is something else around that also needs to be acknowledged.

(By the way, it's OK and natural to call "something in you," "you" -- if you are addressing it directly.)

"I feel an urgency to do Focusing all the time."

 

"There are so many voices in me that want to to be heard." ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

A Reader writes: "Now that I have experienced that I can really go inside myself and find all kind of answers, it is like I want to do Focusing all the time. And something in me is not feeling good about this, as if it thinks I'll do too much Focusing.

"It is like if I am having a hard time trying to find a balance because there are so many voices in me that want to be heard and they kind of scream in desperation. As if they had all been closed in a room during all my life and now that I started to open the door I cannot avoid hearing them or even just handle the rush. It feels like I would have to close myself in that room with all of them for a few weeks until every one has been heard to the end. I feel quite exhausted to even just think about this.

"I am not quite sure of how to proceed from here and some guidance at this point would be very helpful."

Dear Reader,
As Self-in-Presence you are the space for all the parts... and that means especially the part of you that feels overwhelmed and is afraid that this is all too much. Be sure to give that one a special Hello. It sounds like you are a bit identified with that part, so it needs extra acknowledgement.

Whatever you can do to increase Self-in-Presence is good, like feeling the contact and support beneath you, and saying the words: "I am the space where all of this can be as it is." Feeling the expansion of your breath. Relaxing into what feels good in your body, even a little bit.

And when you find a part that is screaming for attention, remember there is nothing you need to do except just say to it, "Wow, I sense how strongly you feel, and how long you have waited." When it knows you are hearing it, just that much, it will relax and allow you to acknowledge something else as well.

"I am sensing something in me that feels __________." 

I have a secret to tell you, about Self-in-Presence.

You don't have to feel like Self-in-Presence, in order to be Self-in-Presence. You don't have to feel compassionate, or spacious, or friendly to your emotional parts.

(This is good news, because we can't really make ourselves feel anything!)

All you have to do is behave as Self-in-Presence. Act that way.

One of the primary ways to act as Self-in-Presence is to use Presence Language. Just use the language! Make it a kind of discipline, a new habit to get into.

It would sound like this:
"I'm sensing something in me is feeling exhausted just imagining all those parts clamoring for my attention. I'm sensing something in me feeling like I am the one who needs to make them all calm down. And I'm saying Hello to that!"

The act of saying this brings a shift. You don't have to wait until you feel it; just be it.

"My Focusing gets manic at night when I can't sleep."

 

"I do manic Focusing - particularly at night when I can't sleep."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Miranda writes: "I've been doing less Focusing because if I do it when I'm anxious, particularly at night when I can't sleep, I do it manically, going from one feeling to the next very quickly. I think there is probably something desperate and very frightened which can't settle and is afraid to slow down or doesn't know how to. I get stuck in a kind of 'thinking' focusing because there is too much going on in my body, switching from place to place.

"The thinking sometimes feels like it doesn't have a container and is afraid of spiraling into strange, mad places. If I do find some relief it's only brief. I know things can seem worse at night and I do feel saner in the daytime!

"Do you have any suggestions?"
 
Dear Miranda,
My first suggestion would be, slow down! I do hear that something in you is afraid to slow down, but that doesn't mean you can't go slower AND acknowledge the part of you that finds it scary to go slower.

As for how to slow down, I have a number of suggestions:

First: Speak out loud. This is a huge help when doing any Focusing alone. Speaking out loud will automatically slow down your process to the speed of your speaking voice. (As you know, the mind can go much faster than that, and along half a dozen pathways at once!)

Second: Use Presence language. "I am sensing something in me feeling..."
It may sound odd at first and a bit of a formula, but I predict you'll find it SO helpful to speak this way. Just try, and I think you'll feel the benefits immediately.

Third: Acknowledge especially the parts of you that feel like they are in the way of this process working. Like this:
"I'm sensing something in me that can't settle and is afraid to slow down. I'm saying Hello to that."
Then take time to feel the "Hello" being received. It may also help to put a gentle hand on the place where you are feeling this. Placing the hand is a really nice thing to do because it reminds you to be kind to what you are feeling.

"There's so much going on in my body..."
 ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

It sounds like you are feeling a bit 'at the mercy' of your body feelings. That's one of the most difficult times, when it feels like our emotions and anxieties are bigger than we are.

The solution is to get bigger... and that's why I developed the five-part process called "Get Bigger Than What's Bugging You" that includes the saying Hello and the touch of the gentle hand.

It's free and it comes as a five-day e-course. You'll get one email a day for five days. Go to
http://www.focusingresources.com/getbigger.htm to sign up.

The trick is to actually do these things! When you're lying in bed at night feeling overwhelmed you may have fewer resources than usual. So sit up! The act of intention involved will remind you that YOU are doing something.

Remember: doing Focusing is a deliberate action. Just lying down and letting your body feelings run riot... well, I wouldn't call that Focusing, would you? When you do Focusing, you're deliberately pausing, deliberately bringing awareness to how you feel with an open, kind curiosity.

If you do that, I predict you soon will be finding your thoughts slowing down and your breathing getting deeper and calmer, as the feelings and parts inside you begin to trust that you are there.

"A part of me says it wants to be left alone."

 

"The felt sense told me it needed to be left alone..."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

JP writes: "While doing some focusing on an unclear felt sense I came to feel a strong sense of loss and the feeling of something being cut away. This was quite painful and it felt as though a grieving stage was the next step in the process. However, while focusing on this sense of something being cut away I asked the felt sense what it needed right now. After a long time focusing the felt sense told me it needed to be left alone, that I needed to 'put on a brave face for it' or even 'man up' a bit. It was as though the felt sense was telling me not to approach it publicly but to hide it away.

"My question for you is: what do you think this is about? A process of grieving felt quite right to me but the felt sense was almost suggesting that it be locked away somewhere quite deep and it has left me feeling quite confused."

 
Dear JP,
One of my maxims is: We cannot go faster than our slowest part.

The process of emotional healing supported by Focusing has its own organic rhythm, and it cannot be pushed to go faster than it naturally goes. In fact, anything that feels like a push will make the guardian parts of us tighten up, and make things go even slower!

Inner safety is key for the opening up process of change. Would you feel safe if someone were pushing you? Empathy and compassion help us understand that when a part of us says or shows that it needs time, it is really asking for respect and safety. It needs to know that IT can set the pace.

Of course this leaves other parts of us quite worried. "What if it always wants to hide?" they ask. "What if it never wants to come out?"

But Focusing is not about "always" and "never." Focusing is about now. And what I have seen is that when you (Self-in-Presence) let a part of you know that you really hear that it needs time... and it can be the way it is as long as it needs to be... then already a change starts to happen. Often a few minutes later there is a loosening. But if not, that's OK too.

Staying with what is here now

The next step comes from being with what is here now. You said you felt a strong sense of loss and a feeling of something being cut away. The next step I would suggest there is to stay with that. We don't know if a "grieving process" will be next. If it is, it will emerge from simply staying with and sensing what is there.

And when something in you says it needs to be left alone, let it know you hear it... and keep sensing for a while more, what kind of "alone" it means. Maybe it doesn't mean that you should go away, with your non-pushing gentle attention. Maybe it simply wanted to have a space where nothing has to happen. Or maybe there is something more about this "put a brave face on it" -- something it is worried will happen if you don't do that. (Something about other people, perhaps?)

You may also need to say Hello to a part of you that is impatient or anxious about moving forward, afraid that this means things won't go fast enough.

The next step comes from being with what is here now... and the next step always comes... if you give it space.

Focusing and Depression, Part Two

 

"Let's ignore the dark stuff, and just be happy."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Last week we heard from a reader who asked if it was possible to do Focusing while depressed. I replied that a part that believes the world is a hopeless place is trying to protect her from feeling worse.

This week we hear back from her...
"Thank you for your comprehensive reply! I had a focusing session between asking my question and receiving your answer, and in it, exactly as you said, I encountered first a slumped/deflated/sad/unhappy part, quickly supplanted by a worried/critical part. After spending time with the worried/critical part I tried to go back to the sad part, but there was no access - as you said, the worried/critical part had taken on a guardian role, and would not let me get anywhere near that sad part.
 
"Today, after receiving your answer, I had another session. I couldn't sense anything, nothing came forward, so I took it on faith that a guardian part was operating, said Hello to it, and let it know I was just going to sit there and spend time with it, and it could be however it wanted to be, for as long as it needed to. Gradually a picture emerged, of me sitting relaxed and comfortable, with my back up against a warm brick wall, just sitting in the sunshine, warm, relaxed, comfortable. At first I didn't quite get how this could be a picture relating to being depressed, but then I understood this part was offering me something different - "Let's ignore the dark stuff, and let's just be happy." I let it know I appreciated its care and concern for me, and also said I would be equally willing to accept whatever is behind the wall, that it feels it needs to protect me from.

"How would you advise proceeding from this point?"

Dear Reader,
Wow, this is really great! I especially liked what you did, when nothing came forward... you took it on faith that a guardian part was operating, and said Hello to it. Just what I would have suggested!

I love the spacious quality of your Presence in this session, that you let it know you would just be with it and spend time with it, and that it could be however it wanted to be for as long as it needed to. What a beautiful invitation! (I know you learned that in Focusing Level Two... and I still love it! And it's really great how you are applying it.)

I enjoy how you accepted the picture that emerged, even though at first it made no sense. You discovered that this part wants to help you ignore the dark stuff, and believes that is what you need to do, to be happy. (You might say to it, "No wonder you want me to ignore the dark stuff, if that is what you believe...")

Accepting what is behind the wall
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

I feel you are right, that the part you are calling the guardian is wanting to protect you from the feelings that it believes are behind the wall.

So the question is, what does it need in order to trust that you can now handle those feelings?

Barbara McGavin and I believe that what is needed is that all parts trust you to be Self-in-Presence. Clearly, from your description of this session, you are doing a beautiful job of being in the accepting, allowing state of Self-in-Presence. Still, it will probably take time for the parts to trust that. Trust doesn't happen instantly; trust is built over time.

In the meantime, have a relationship with this guardian. You can invite it to let you know what it is worried will happen (what it doesn't want) IF those feelings come out from behind the wall. Whatever it says (or shows you), let it know you hear it. Give it your empathy. Keep checking if it feels you have really understood it.

You can also invite it to show you the feelings it wants for you. It says it wants you to be happy! That's great... and you can invite it to show you how 'happy' feels in the body, and what body feeling it wants for you from feeling happy. Now it will probably feel even more understood.

It is likely that as a natural part of this process, you will begin to get a sense of what is behind the wall. Your welcome for that has set the scene, so that when it emerges, you can make a space of empathy and sensing.

It may surprise you. It may not be as "bad" as a part of you is afraid it will be. Sensing it freshly, as it is here right now, is your way forward.

"Can I do Focusing when I am depressed?"

 

A reader writes: "Can I do Focusing when I am depressed? I know 'depressed' covers a whole lot of points along the spectrum, and the answer probably varies depending on far along the spectrum it is. For me, the essence of depression is distortion, and the loss of perspective. I am afraid if I focus while depressed, and come face to face with some of these bitterly disappointed and unhappy parts of myself, which have big global beliefs about how black the world is, and how hopeless, if I do that when there isn't a lot of strength in Self-in-Presence to be with them - well, I wonder about the wisdom of that.

 

Dear Reader,
I really appreciate how precisely you write about what you mean by "depression," and what that is like for you. You find yourself coming face to face with disappointed and unhappy parts of yourself that have big global beliefs about how black and hopeless the world is. And you know that Focusing with those parts won't work very well unless you can be Self-in-Presence with them.

I'd also like to appreciate that you can tell when there isn't a lot of strength in your being Self-in-Presence, when you feel it would be easy to be merged with or sucked in by those disappointed and unhappy parts of yourself. Good for you for noticing that!

Those would be the times when you would give extra attention to supporting Self-in-Presence, before doing anything else. Before Focusing you might take a walk, get out into nature, be in a beautiful place that nurtures you, or simply remember being in such a place. Take some deep nourishing breaths, and feel the place where you are sitting, letting yourself rest into that support.

I love the sentence I learned from Barbara McGavin, who has taught me so much about Self-in-Presence: "I am the space, where all in me can be as it is." Say that slowly and ... spaciously... and let yourself feel it, as you say it.

Now you are ready to turn toward something in you that feels disappointed and unhappy. Let it know that you are here to be with it, and to get to know it better.

What it doesn't want is more important than what it believes
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

You've already learned that this type of part has feelings ("disappointed and unhappy") and also has beliefs ("how black and hopeless the world is").

The feelings came first, and they are related to even more painful feelings that this and other parts don't want you to have to feel. You might think that depression feels bad enough, but in the view of Barbara McGavin and myself, depression is a dynamic process that partly avoids and protects from "unbearably" painful feelings from trauma in the past.

The beliefs that the part holds -- and is actively trying to convince you of -- are aspects of this dynamic process. If it can convince you that the world is hopeless, you will risk less... in its view, you will be safer.

So we don't recommend that you deal with it at the level of belief. The level of belief is not the pivot for change.

This type of part doesn't want you to have to feel certain feelings, and it is actually trying to protect you from contact with another part of you.

When you can be Self-in-Presence -- no agenda, just "being the space" -- slowly all the parts will become more trusting of you, and slowly you will be able to sense the other part below this one. It will be less verbal, more visceral, possibly more emotional. It will have images to show you perhaps. Go slowly. Keep refreshing your ability to be Self-in-Presence.

Real change is possible... but only by going slowly and Being the Space.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
The insights in this week's tiip are from the Treasure Maps to the Soul work by Barbara McGavin and Ann Weiser Cornell. Read more about it:
http://www.focusingresources.com/irf/treasure_maps_to_the_soul.htm

April 10 2012 - Tip #327

"I recognize a deep resistance to Focusing on this, alone or with a partner."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
 
Last week Mary wrote (and I responded) about the redness and soreness in her face, getting angry with it, and feeling ashamed and guilty. She also wrote: "I am recognizing a deep resistance to focusing on this issue alone or with a partner." This week I'd like to respond to that part of her question.

Dear Mary,          
It's a tough situation to be in, to know that something needs the attention and healing that Focusing offers, and yet to be reluctant to bring that issue into your Focusing sessions.

You used the phrase "deep resistance," which sounds to me like you are already sensing that this comes from a part of you that needs to be acknowledged, itself.

Luckily, there is a way to do Focusing with "resistance" -- by honoring the part of you that is "resisting" as a guardian that is watching out for your safety.

(I don't like the term "resistance." I prefer to say "something doesn't want to ____" --to feel that, or to go there. It's more respectful and more specific.)

"Something in me doesn't want to go there..."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

So you're sensing that something in you doesn't want to go there. Let it know you hear it -- and assure it that you will not try to push past it.

Pushing past a part like that won't work anyway! It has the power to make you too sleepy or spacy to do Focusing, so there's no skipping over it. Respecting it and going as slowly as it needs you to go is the fastest way forward.

You'll be able to feel it, or sense it, even if not directly in your body. It might be just a sense that it is there somewhere. "Something in me doesn't want to go in there..." and pause... and there it is. There is some good reason why it doesn't want you to go in there, but it won't do to ask directly, usually. Rather, just be curious in its direction.

"It's something about..." --- probably something about what it is worried will happen if you do go in there. Getting overwhelmed, or finding something too shameful. When you sense some of it, then let it know you hear it. Notice if you feel some relief.

When you've really heard it all, something will let go, and you'll be able to do what you couldn't do before. Partly because it feels heard, but far more importantly because you have proved yourself trustworthy -- by being Self-in-Presence so steadfastly.

April 3 2012 - Tip #326

"When it itches, I react, I scratch... and then feel guilty and ashamed."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
 
Mary writes: "For some time I have experienced redness and soreness on my face. I expected it to just clear up again, but it hasn't. Now I keep finding myself merged in an angry exchange with this part - when it itches I react, I scratch and of course make it worse and then feel guilty and overwhelmed. Also recognizing a deep resistance to focusing on this issue alone or with a partner. Am writing because I would like to explore this, to understand what is happening and know how to help." 

Dear Mary,          
It sounds like you are already aware of a lot of what is going on in this uncomfortable situation.

You write about finding yourself "merged in an angry exchange" with the redness and soreness - so you already know that in getting angry with it, you are identified with another part of you...a part that I suspect is not only angry, but also worried, scared, and feeling helpless.

It is that part of you that needs attention first, or everything just escalates. So try saying, "Something in me is angry about this itching on my face. I'm saying Hello to this feeling of angry..." and keep sensing. You'll probably sense next that it is worried... scared it won't go away... hating to feel so helpless...

When you can stay in the place of being with this part of you, listening to it, making sure that all of its feelings are heard, then the space of you gets bigger. You have room in you for all of this -- for the part of you that is reacting AND the part of you that is showing up in this redness and soreness.

Listening to the Body's Language of Symptoms
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

When something manifests physically as a symptom -- redness, soreness, itching, headache, burning, pain, etc. -- it makes sense to try to find the cause and alleviate the symptom. I'm all for that.

At the same time though, let's also use a Focusing quality of attention to listen to the symptom. It can't hurt... and it can shift the whole dynamic that is producing the symptom.

So after you have spent time with the parts of you that are reacting to the redness and soreness, and you can feel them calming down, it is time to turn toward the redness and soreness itself.

Start by sensing it exactly as it feels, right now. Never mind how it felt an hour ago, or yesterday, or last week. This is about right now. Release the usual words you have been using, like "pain" or "soreness," and sense freshly, as if you have never felt it before.

Remember, there is nothing there that is trying to hurt you. It is not your enemy. It's just something in you expressing how it feels -- and it needs you to hear it.

After you have sensed exactly how it feels physically, you may already feel a relief. But you may also feel an intensifying. That's because you are open, now, to just how strongly it feels. This is an important moment, your willingness to feel it as it is. Let your empathy go into it, and be open to the possibility that IT feels some emotion.

As in a regular Focusing session, it may show you images from the past and the anticipated future, as it shows you what is bothering it. Just let it know you hear it.

We have seen remarkable shifts and rapid healing from this kind of process. No guarantees about that, but the one thing you can be sure of is that your relationship with these symptoms will shift, and you will be bigger.

March 27 2012 - Tip #325

"Who is this 'I' who is doing the compassionate Focusing?"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

A reader asks: "When I am being a kind and supportive companion to different places or parts in myself... who is this 'I' who is doing the companioning? Is the companion a part... and am I then merging with it...? How does the concept of Presence fit into to this?

"The reason I'm asking is, this really disturbed and shaken/scared place seems to arise as I start to relate with kindness to various places inside me that are feeling vulnerable, upset or shaky maybe, that need some caring, and "companioning." Then  all of a sudden some sort of thought comes in, like 'Who is this one who is speaking caringly?' It is very hard to catch exact words, but feels like suddenly having the rug pulled out, and there is a sense of acute disorientation and disturbance... The thought sort of stops 'me' in my tracks...and is something like....who is relating to who...who am I?

"I am then aware that this frightened place itself needs my kind and caring attention but yet the very act of doing that is what seemed to trigger disturbance... so then I feel sort of alone and abandoned and I can't easily continue with the usual way I've had of relating to myself.... Which is horrible! A bit like not knowing who is relating to who... and who I am....

"I try and recollect models of the self sometimes then, to help me make sense of things, which does feel important somehow, but it's hard to engage the brain when in the midst of this state of confusion.... I hope this makes some kind of sense to you...!"

Dear Reader,
Yes, it does make sense. And I think I know what is going on.

First to assure you that the "I" who can give compassion is you, the whole self, called "Self-in-Presence." The capacity or ability to be Self-in-Presence is something we can develop or cultivate, like growing a garden or strengthening a muscle. Being Self-in-Presence is not an OFF-ON switch, but an ability that can grow as we use it more.

Of course there have been times in our lives when Self-in-Presence was thin, or missing. Our parts remember that.

I suspect that what might be going on is that a vulnerable, upset, or shaky part has doubts about you, whether you can really be there for it. I suspect that that is what is emerging as questioning "who is this being who is caring," etc. And then I suspect that you are slipping into identification with that questioning part.

When parts of us have doubts that we can be enough for them, the thing to do is not try to convince them... but to continue to steadily be there, hearing that that is how it is for them. "I hear that it is hard for you to trust, right now, that I am really here, really able to be strong and compassionate for you. With all you've been through, no wonder that is hard."

"Yes, that helps..."

This reader wrote back: "What you said brought a bit of ease within - Because yes, there is a part worrying 'what is going on, aagh!' - and is suddenly unsure whether it is safe to trust 'myself'.

"Your words helped me feel more the difference between the shaky part and the place that can be there with kindness. And to sort of get that ah, yes, it is also about cultivating that place of self in presence. And that's OK that it needs to be cultivated...it's understandable...

"So I've just been putting a hand there on the part of my body that is most feeling the angst, and bringing tenderness to it, and a few words like, 'Ah, I can see how much you are hurting right now... it's OK to let yourself feel that... I'm here...' Then there is a bit of softening in my body... maybe some tears....  There's definitely much more within all this, but there is a little easing."

Ann responds: Wonderful! Letting a gentle hand go there is so nice. And saying to it, "I'm here..." Beautiful! I couldn't have said it better myself!

March 20 2012 - Tip #324

"If I accept everything, do I have do give up my desire for results?"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

A Reader writes: "How do you balance the desire for change with the acceptance of everything that's there?" 

Dear Reader,         
Such an interesting question!

You are aware of my book, The Radical Acceptance of Everything, and my message that it is the non-judging, non-pushing state of Self-in-Presence that allows the most profound change. So of course you wonder -- and who does not? -- what does that mean about desiring change? About wanting results? Does accepting everything mean that you not supposed to want change?

And of course you DO want change!

My invitation to you, though, is to sense HOW you are wanting change. Is there an urgent, anxious, pushing quality? Perhaps a hint of low self worth? A bit of a feeling that you have to change or... Or what?

Right here is the starting place for a very interesting Focusing session as you spend time with "something in you" that is pushing for change with a certain quality, perhaps something like "I have to change or I'm a failure in life." It will be different for each person... and it is well worth the exploration.

What I have learned over the years is that parts of us get scared that we aren't doing enough, changing enough -- or that we simply aren't enough -- AND we tend to get identified with those parts, and see the world through their glasses. It starts to feel true... "I have to change."

The problem is -- and it's a huge problem -- a change process that is driven by a part like this, really is doomed to fail. We have to be outside the problem in order to get past it.

The Change We Want is the Body's Own Change
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

There are many ways to change badly... by force, by will-power, by manipulation, by giving up, by torturing parts of us into submission... but all of those forceful methods ultimately fail. They fail because the change we really want is a shift of the whole person into fuller life -- and that can't be done by force.

There may be an ancient struggle going on inside us, where one part of us has always felt that it had to push another part of us to change. It believes that without its push, you wouldn't even get out of bed in the morning. When one part pushes, another part rebels and becomes more determined to resist. And the struggle continues. This is the nature of things.

And here is the good news: There is a change that doesn't have to be forced. There is a change that doesn't need to be planned, or predicted in advance, or figured out, or designed. This is the body's own change. The change we want is the body's own change.

Life never wants to hold still, and the next steps of life feel good. In at atmosphere of allowing, life steps emerge.

Imagine a child coming into a room of art materials and play toys. Imagine an attentive adult who will help the child find things, and watch with fascination whatever happens, but who never guides or restricts. Can you doubt that the child will express what most needs to be expressed, and be bigger at the end of it?

Life itself can feel like that... which is why I recommend holding an inner space of acceptance and interested curiosity. Because what will emerge in us is so much more varied and intricate and surprising than we could possibly imagine in advance.

Enjoy!

March 13 2012 - Tip #323

"What about sensing what the part likes or doesn't like?"
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Judy writes: "Yesterday during my Focusing partnership session, while I was the Companion, the Focuser was having some difficulty sensing an emotional quality or what it was like for a part from its point of view. As an experiment, I asked her to see if it felt right to sense what the part liked or didn't like.  What do you think about using like/not like in Focusing? Perhaps in certain circumstances? Just curious."

Dear Judy,
It's great to invent new invitations! Sitting there with the person, tuned in and listening attentively, you are in the best position of all to allow inventive possibilities to bubble up. Anything that is offered to the Focuser in the spirit of "check if this might bring something" is certainly a possibility.

I've heard Focusers who said to the Companion before the session, "Be inventive, feel free to experiment." With that kind of permission you have all the scope you need to try things out.

But let me also take a step back and talk about the commonest reason why a Focuser might be having difficulty sensing an emotional quality or what it is like for a part from its point of view. Hint: It's not about what comes next, it's about what went before.

I've witnessed countless Focusing sessions where the Focuser was sensing something that could be described and felt but that went no further...and attempts to sense what it wanted to say, or how it felt from its point of view, went nowhere. Invariably, what I see in those sessions is not enough time and contact in the earlier parts of the session.

When something in the Focuser is trying to go too quickly, that is what gets us into dead-end alleys that go nowhere. Because the parts that we are trying to be with don't feel safe and don't feel enough connected with.

Sensing and describing and checking the descriptions

Those early parts of a Focusing sessions, the stage that I call "Making Contact," form the foundation for everything that happens later. A bit of extra time spent in the Making Contact stage can enable all the rest of the process to flow forward easily and smoothly.

Checking the first descriptions that come, back with the body... sensing if that says it all, or if there is more... sensing if it is OK to just be with this and keep it company... and if it is at all tender or shy, sensing the kind of contact it needs from you (the Focuser) right now.

It is out of this fuller and fuller contact that the Focuser will naturally begin to sense how IT feels from its point of view. If the earlier stages happen fully, the later stages will hardly need to be prompted.

So if I'm working with someone who says, "I can't get its emotion. I don't know what it feels from its point if view," then where I want to go is backward, not forward. "OK, see if it's OK to just be with it. ... Maybe see if it still feels like _____, or if that changed."

Another nice one is, let's say it feels tight: "You might want to sense what kind of 'tight' it feels like."

I have found that taking a step back makes forward go more easily... just like going slowly is the fastest way to make progress.

March 6 2012 - Tip #322

"Is it possible that very sad feelings start to surface after anxiety gets better?"
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Anna writes: "I was having frequent anxiety experiences which were triggered by specific events, and it was easy to focus on this since it was easy to feel. After some therapy and positive experiences the anxiety is reduced a lot. But now it seems like some other feeling
either got surfaced, or just emerged, to replace the anxiety. I don't want to call it depression, because this word is loaded, but it's like 'feeling down.' I have a suspicion it has always been there, but I wasn't noticing it.

"Do you think it's possible that some very sad feelings are sometimes hidden and we are not experiencing them? I'd rather feel the anxiety than this sad feeling. I started to induce the anxiety again just to occupy my thoughts to block this sad feeling. It's difficult and scary to start focusing with this, because it's something new, large, it looks like it occupies my whole self. And if I do listen to it attentively and hear what it wants and needs, I might not be able to change anything, what's the point in asking what the part wants. It's easy to be with some temporary anxiety, especially knowing that the trigger is irrational, and is based on past experience (so it's controlled and predicable), and it's another thing to focus on this new emotion..."

Dear Anna,
Your experiences make so much sense! Yes, absolutely it is possible that feelings, for example very sad feelings, were underneath the anxiety, and can now come to the surface (in Focusing-speak we would say "they can now form") because there is a safe enough space for them to form into. It sounds to me like that is exactly what is happening.

And good for you for noticing that something in you would rather feel anxious than feel this large sad feeling. Might I suggest a small shift in language? (You know me!)

"It's scary to start Focusing with this" becomes "I'm sensing something in me is scared to start Focusing with this." Do you feel that difference? Now you can turn with gentle curiosity toward something in you that is scared, rather than feeling like that scared feeling is you. What we're identified with, we can't give company to.

"I might not be able to change anything, so what's the point in asking what the part wants?"

With a part that feels sad, I'm not such a big fan of asking "What does it want/need?" That could too often bring up a part that wants to make this feel better. It's not about making it feel better, but about just being with it, and listening.

This may be -- very likely is -- something valuable in you that has not been allowed to be. It reminds me of a Focusing session I had soon after my first marriage ended. I found a feeling of sadness about the marriage ending -- and I did not want to be feeling that!

Luckily I had a good and patient Focusing partner, and I was able to acknowledge both the feelings about the marriage ending, and the parts of me not wanting me to feel that way. Then I was able to realize that the sadness was not actually about the marriage ending. It was actually sadness for the parts of me that had been unable to live in that marriage.

I sensed this "unlived" side of me, hovering like a ghost in the room with me and my husband all those years. The sadness was for that side of me, the side that could not live in that relationship. This became very precious intention for me... to have a life where all of me could live.

I've seen this now in many people's process, so now I get excited when someone finds this deeper sad place. It's almost always the return of some aspect of the real you, your whole self, that has been shut away for some reason. I want to break out the cake and ice cream, and say, let's celebrate!

February 28 2012 -Tip #321

"I feel deeply ashamed of a condition in my body so I can't be with it."
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A Reader writes: "It came up tonight with my Focusing partner that I feel deeply ashamed  - and that is very hard to be with. I don't want to see how that feels in my body because it comes from there. I have psoriasis badly and have done so most of my life - it feels more like I have to endure it, rage at it, be resigned in relation to it - almost anything but sit beside it. This comes up again and again in Focusing and makes me feel there is little point to continuing with Focusing because any bodily felt sense will only ever be flawed and related to my skin. It might be better all round if I pay less or no attention to it. I can have little twittering felt senses and shifts around this but this is fundamental and too big. Have you any thoughts?"
 
Dear Reader,         
I'm so glad you wrote. What you've been going through sounds difficult and emotionally painful, but Focusing can definitely help. I just need to show you a different way of understanding what we mean by "feeling in the body."

For you, your body feels like the source of your torment... and your condition, labeled "psoriasis," feels like something to endure, to rage at, or be resigned to.

But your body is more than your physical condition. Your body is you, acting, choosing, resting, living your life. Your body is the integration of many things, including how you feel about your physical condition.

Something in you feels you have to endure it, rage at it, be resigned to it...
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This condition called "psoriasis" is something you have lived with a long time. You feel like YOU have to endure it, etc. But what if you try saying it this way: "Something in me feels I have to endure it." And then pause, and get the feel of the enduring. Get the feel of having to endure. It sounds to me like that might feel rather heavy... but that's me. You would pause and get the feel of that yourself.

"The feel of it" is already in your body. Feeling rage (for example) is already in your body. When you pause and sense and invite, you can feel it more clearly. It becomes "this" instead of "me." This is a very important moment, when you have your feelings as "this, here" instead of "I am...." From here, change is possible.

If you choose to stay with the feel of it with interested curiosity, a lot can open. Truthfully, everything can open! You may want to read an article that Barbara McGavin wrote about Focusing with Small Physical Ailments, including Focusing with a skin condition.
 
Turning toward what we feel makes a space in which many possibilities open.

February 21 2012 - Tip #320

"I am addicted to sadness, longing, self-pity, wishing, dreaming, etc..."
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A Reader writes: "Recently I identified myself as being addicted to the emotion of sadness, and all of the concomitant feelings/behaviors like longing, self-pity, wishing, dreaming, etc. Coming from an alcoholic home, I retreated often, drew inward to a sad place that was at least safe. My life choices all seem to have taken me to one sad situation after another. And other very unhappy life circumstances like the death of my young child many years ago have kept me stuck in this sad place. 

"Now I find myself working toward divorce from my second husband, a very functional alcoholic who is not a bad person. I'm asking myself, is it the sadness I'm feeling over losing this current relationship, or is it the habitual sadness from childhood? How do I separate the 'sad parts' as 'sad from life situation' part with 'sad from old childhood habit' part?"

Dear Reader,       
I appreciate the self-compassion I hear in your email. You understand why that younger you, growing up in an alcoholic home, would have needed to retreat, and would have found sadness a safe place to retreat to. At the same time, I would say it in a slightly different way, because the concept of being "addicted to" sadness, etc. might be keeping the process static, not allowing the movement that is possible.

"Something in you" is holding onto sadness, preferring to retreat into sadness, finding safety in feelings of longing and self-pity. Can you feel the difference when we say it that way? "I am addicted to..." doesn't turn toward the place itself, with an inner relationship of interested curiosity. "Something in me..." invites YOU to turn toward that one, to start listening.

Please don't assume that you know all about why "something in you" would want to hold onto sadness. "I already know" is another stance that makes change more difficult. You know a lot! But there is more... and by freshly being with the "something in you" that is holding onto sadness (or whatever words it wants to use for itself) and simply being curious... and then acknowledging what it lets you know... this whole situation can begin to shift.

How to Separate Old Sadness from Fresh Sadness
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In the situation you describe, it sounds like the current experience of sadness at losing your relationship is very intermingled with the old sadness. They are not that separate from each other in your experience right now... and that always has to be the starting place: how it is now.

My sense of it is that after you acknowledge both, the older sadness will need the first turn. As you give company to "something in you holding onto sadness" from earlier times, there will come a sense of burden lightening, and more space. From there, the current sadness won't be as hard to be with.

I also suspect that there may be some unfinished business with the sadness of losing your young child. Our culture rarely allows people to spend enough time with grieving. You don't have to deliberately go there. Just don't be surprised if that is what comes... and let it be welcome.

February 14 2012 - Tip #319

"When the trigger is from my childhood, it causes me anxiety all day long."
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Jenny writes: "I have a question. When I focus I start to see the source of the 'felt sense,' what happened to make this feel that way. I realize the 'trigger' is because of something from my childhood. I stay with it and put a hand on it. I sometimes feel the 'release' or 'calm' but it keeps coming back in my mind throughout the day and causes me anxiety all day long. Also I feel it is difficult for me to separate myself from the feeling. Is this all 'normal' or am I doing something wrong?"

Dear Jenny,
Well, what you're going through is normal in the sense that many people experience it. But I don't think it's necessary; I think I can help. Glad you wrote!

It's very natural to discover that something that is bothering us today has its source in childhood. In my experience there is a way of framing this that makes the healing process more supported and less anxiety-producing.

First, I like to use the word "something" for my inner experience. This allows me to have a relationship with it in the present. I would say, "I am sensing something in my belly that is scared." (And not, for example, "There is fear in my belly.")

Then I would put my hand on it gently. (Just as you did, Jenny.) Along with putting my hand on it, I would say, "I know you're there, I am with you, I am listening." I have a gentle relationship of listening with this something inside me.

Now, if I start having memories from my childhood, I understand that this "something" in me is showing me those scenes. It (or she, as I might call her) is showing me what she went through. This is important because at the time, there would have been no one to receive her and her feelings compassionately with no judgment.

I stay in the listening mode and I keep saying, "I hear you, I see you, yes, that was hard, what you went through." When she has shown me what she really wanted me to see about how it was back then, I get a deep breath of relief.

Even after the session is over
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At the end of such a Focusing session, I will say to this "something" that I am with: "I'm sensing how you would like me to be with you, even after the session is over."

In other words, the relationship continues. I continue to be the strong, compassionate Self-in-Presence, giving an allowing space and tender company to this part of me that is carrying the pain of the past. I am grateful that it came, and I know there is a healing process going on that requires ME to be here, BEING WITH this part of me. Throughout the day, if I sense it calling to me (and that might be signaled by an anxious feeling) I will turn toward it and offer it a gentle touch of my hand, and a kind, "Yes, I know you're there."

Maybe as I fall asleep that night, I will whisper to that part of me that I am with it, I am listening.

I hope it's clear that seeing this process as a relationship of caring and support with a part of us that is carrying suffering from the past is quite empowering and healing.

If you need help in separating from feelings, you might want to take my free E-Course, Get Bigger Than What's Bugging You. It's a course that comes in five emails on five successive days, and it can really help with being with feelings without getting taken over by them.